New Years Eve/New Years Day -- Always a major disappointment. Drunks on the road, nazi cops handing out DUI's like business cards at a corporate conference. You go out, get hammered, and hope THIS evening is gonna be special. More often than not, you find yourself slurring the countdown and realizing you have nobody to kiss. And as for New Years Day, it might as well be National Hangover Day. Unless you're a college football fan, but I'm not so fuck those people too.
Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday -- Never had this day off. Never spent it as I should: reading about the man and civil disobedience. I did regularly take this day off in college because I was super-liberal and disgraced that we would have classes scheduled on MLK Day. But even that's a lie. I just wanted to blow off class and smoke hookahs in the dorm room.
Groundhog Day -- Great movie. Can't remember what it means if the titular groundhog sees his shadow or not. Whatever.
Mardi Gras -- Never been to the Big Easy, don't really care to. Urination in the streets plus Dixieland Jazz = Big Headache. Flashing tits for beads is cool, but in the final analysis, it's just another pair of tits.
Ash Wednesday -- Don't know anything about it, don't care. I remember Hash Wednesdays at the University of Illinois, but I don't remember if I ever actually attended it.
Valentine's Day -- Fuck me. Now, I'm a good husband. Good enough to have an account at the florist that did our wedding. I call, send roses and candy to Shopgirl at work, she gets a big kick out of going down to the lobby to pick them up and I earn vicarious kudos when she walks back to her desk, toting this fragrant display in a vase. Couple of weeks later I get the bill and pay it without thinking. Can't go out that evening because every restaurant, movie theater, bar, what have you is packed far beyond Fire Code bylaws. Wanna wait 65 minutes for a table at Chilis? Suck it. The king of all Hallmark Holidays.
St. Patrick's Day -- Green beer? Green vomit. When you're calling Ralph on the big white phone and green shit is coming out of your esophagus, that's some scary business. Like the Irish need an excuse to drink.
Easter -- Another Christian holiday I don't understand, don't care to understand, and can therefore gargle my balls. To me, this symbolizes where religion goes horribly awry. I believe Jesus was a real dude, but I think he was just a peace and love John Lennon type. People dug what he had to say, except maybe the Jews and the Romans, so they had him whacked. The story got told over and over again until it made no sense, like the Bill Brasky skits on SNL. "Jesus was buried in a cave and came back to life, pushed a giant boulder outta the way, and walked around for a few more days!!" Nah. If I can score a casually-dressed brunch on Easter, I've been known to attend. But spare me the story. If I believe in the whole "HE IS RISEN" bit, I also gotta buy into Apollo dragging the sun across the sky in his golden chariot. I'm out.
April Fools Day -- Rarely does anyone come up with a prank worthy of recognizing this day. And we gotta work anyway. Suck it.
Mother's Day/Father's Day -- Shit. Find a gift for people who, by definition, are better off financially than you and can easily afford their own shit. And the people who have lost parents feel like crap, which is enough reason to strike them off the calendar right there. If you can appreciate your parents for who they are more than how much they fucked you up, do you really need a scheduled day for that? If not, it's a giant day of "pretend we're a happy family", and that blows.
Independence Day -- Drunk white people blowing shit up. They don't even know why. Unfortunately, they get the M-80's two months in advance and don't blow them all up on the 4th, so this turns into three or four months of hearing what sounds like shotgun blasts coming from all over the neighborhood. And the technology of fireworks hasn't improved in 30 years, so what the fuck?? Yeah, we all love the big ones that spider outwards into a giant ball of colorful flame. But mostly it's bugs and cookouts. And always some good candidates for the Darwin Awards bite it on this day. Cheap beer and explosives. This is what America means to us?? Heath Ledger in "The Patriot" would be pissed.
Columbus Day -- Italian dude on a mission from the king of Spain (once portrayed on the big screen by Tom Selleck) goes way off course, hits the wrong fucking continent, and declares he found it. That's like me going into a crowded Starbucks at 7:30 on a weekday and saying I discovered it. Except for the 75 people all ready inside the joint, looking at me like I'm a fucking moron. Suck it.
Halloween -- Fuck off. I don't have kids and I don't have friends who throw costume parties and I loathe answering the door. My lights are off. I'm in the back room watching Jamie Lee Curtis get chased around by Michael Meyers. But that's not even a good enough reason to justify a holiday. I heard about some weird dude at work who, when kids come to his door saying "Trick or Treat", he demands they perform some kind of Trick before he gives them a couple of mini-sized Mars bars. What the fuck?? Shouldn't that dude be on some kind of Creepy House registry?
I swear -- my doorbell just rang as I'm writing this and I'm not fucking answering it. There's my tribute to Halloween right there.
Thanksgiving -- Oh, fuck me sideways. Whose house do we go to this year? Mine or my wife's? In the early years of marriage, you're stupid enough to try to hit both. In the middle years, you alternate. After 12 years and no kids, it's a chore. Big food, big sleepy, whole lot of decapitated turkeys. And somebody always insists on the untouched bowl of cranberries. No thanks. Suck it.
Christmas Day -- The Holy Fucking Grail of days when you're a kid -- not so much when you get older. More buying gifts nobody can afford. More juggling of families, none of whom ever feel like you spent enough "quality time" with them. And as much as I love "It's A Wonderful Life" I can't watch it every year. I used to have a friend who, as a tradition, went to the local theater to watch Bing in "White Christmas" every fucking year. We're not friends anymore. Hey, I've got my top five movies too, but I can't watch them annually. Christmas is a holiday for the Credit Card Companies. You know what? Everybody else can go nuts looking for just the right gift for each individual loved one, and that's beyond swell. I'll be in Jamaica smoking a spliff at a Sandals and drinking a Red Stripe while trying to maintain my balance on a floatee in the middle of a giant pool with 80 degree weather. Let It Snow, my ass. And if I ever have to hear "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", I'm gonna hang myself with a popcorned string of tinsel.
When I'm financially independent, I'll go apeshit over each and every one of these precious days. I'll get in the spirit and give thoughtful gifts and send out cards of my happy family of Shopgirl, Yellow Dog, and the other animals sitting by a roaring fire. But as long as I remain a working slave to The Man, you can shove your holidays up each other's ass.
Ergo, Happy Memorial Day to everyone. You get the day off and you're not expected to do a goddamn thing about it. I don't even remember who we're supposed to be Memorializing. It can't be veterans of war, cuz how would that be different than Veteran's Day?
By default, I'll be enjoying Memorial Day as a day off work. And when Labor Day comes, I'll be sleeping late that day too.
The rest can suck it.
One love,
The Masked Vigilante
15 comments:
Gosh, this is great, did you have it all saved up or what?
New Year's Day, I always stay home, get mellow, watch Strange Days, and fall asleep. I've done the parties, as a Naval Officer's wife, traveling the country and world and all that shit. I had a great time, too. I usually enjoy the zen of taking down the tree and cleaning up the 6 weeks worth of garbage that collects in the corners. I really get into the new start every year, too. A party would kinda ruin it. I do like to wake at midnight, our area goes almost as crazy as on the 4th with the fireworks. My back deck has a panoramic view of the whole valley, so it's fun to watch. I like the new years day parades and football, too. Good times.
And fuck you about Thanksgiving - I don't care who shows up, I'm cooking all day because I love the whole kitchen ritual. My earliest memories of it are at my grandparents cabin in MI, usually with lots of snow and all the kids, we had a football team, I tell ya. And my gramma getting blasted on bloody Marys and pounding out Irish ditties on the piano... Again, good times.
Fuck me about Thanksgiving? 8) Hey, I'm just opining in my safe space. Fuck me is right.
Of course, there's nobody in my extended family that couldn't fuck up a baked potato, so I'm going on personal experience.
Thanks for the links!!
If I had grown up with the drunk Irish grandmother playing the piano, I'd have a whole different experience and would never have written this. That should be a scene in a movie.
OOH!!! That's a nice look for the page!!! Good work!!
BTW: I didn't have this rant stored up. I came home, drank a Red Stripe, cranked it out. There's more where that came from, but I'm trying to pace myself.
I am, however, gonna put this one on my MySpace page. 8)
I wish the light space was wider, but I've been looking for a way to use the Waterbabies painting forever. I just love the colors. Anyhow, you have a MySpace page? We could link it on the side there, if you want.
So, if you churned out this rant just today, you must store a lot of anger, cos, man, I've learned that you just take the day off and ignore the holiday. But if there's cookies involved, you don't be stupid enough to turn them down.
I've got enough anger stored up to power Las Vegas 24/7 for 18 years. Tinnitus will do that to you.
Take the day off and ignore the holiday? I wish. If only I could do so without the family guilt.
Of course, I'd love to tell the family to shove the guilt, but that just causes more problems. So I do what I can.
And Uncle Buddha's a sucker for his niece and nephews, so...
I was gonna say never mind the myspace page, but I do have a killer cover of "Born To Run" by Butch Walker, so WTF?
http://www.myspace.com/jimmythebuddha
Yeah, the link is confusing as hell, but the site is all Vigilante.
As for Halloween - yeah...now. But have you ever read Something Wicked this way comes, or have you seen the movie Lady in White? Or geez, even Halloween with JLC. It used to be like that, that kids went trick or treating, and told ghost stories, and pushing the outside of the envelope in scaredom was tapping the eccentric neighbor's back door on a moonless night.
What Halloween is now is not worth preserving, the xtian protest groups have taken all the fun out of it by turning it into "harvest festivals" and shit.
But it used to be fun, and neighborhoods used to be involved enough to make it safe for the kids. Now, not so much. Nobody in meat world talks anymore, and a fookin' 10 year old with a scowl is threatening to a neighbor these days.
Anyhow, don't blame the holiday, blame the marketing people. They're the ones who packaged it and turned it into a commodity with a limited shelf life. Halloween used to be good, but it's not anymore.
You fooking lunatic! This rant just gave me a headache. I threw a doughnut across the living room and now Missy the cat is trying to eat it. If I cared I'd videotape it and post it on Shakesville as their Cat of the Day Special or whatever they call it. I'll be cleaning up puke by lunchtime.
I hate all Christian holidays. Fook Christmas, and I have kids. Easter? I suppose hiding eggs is fun. Coyote, natch, is right about Thanksgiving. Lots of food, the Lions and later, Tony Romo and the Cowboys.
I propose we put a pic of Tony on the site somewhere, and not with Jessica Simpson. Maybe a pic of Zooey, too. And Paul Westerberg. And any other heroes of yours. This site looks so nice, Coyote.
And don't give me this crap, MV. I knew you in the days when if there was a tornado warning that warranted a holiday. You love holidays. This was hilarious, though. I'm gonna post "Why I love Cashmir Polaski Day." And I'm gonna spell it just like that because I have no idea who he was.
I didn't have time last night to set up my shit, so unless I do it right now I'll be useless again today. I'm gonna try the gmail thing.
You know, reading over this, I get the feeling that you just don't like the implied obligation to make nice with family. I agree. I hate my family. I haven't talked to my mom in sheesh, must be 20 years. She was always one of those people that run around with nothing good to say about anything. Always called me a spoiled brat even though we were dirt poor, which I couldn't figure out. I think she just hated that I demanded she be a better mom and she couldn't do it. Never acknowledged my kids, and from what I hear, hated my bro's kids when they visited. So, holidays for families, fuck that shit. Also, I hate being told what to feel and when. My kids and I have taken the holidays and made them our own, though they do adhere to mom's day, even when I ignore it. I'm lucky in my kids, they've grown up to be free of most of the holiday trappings. 'Course, they still like prezzies, who doesn't?
Well, I don't mind it so much when it's my wife's family because my mother-in-law is an old school genius of a cook. The first time I had dinner at their house, I was absolutely astonished. I should've clarified that from the outset.
And I don't mean any offense to family on either side of the aisle; it's just gatherings of people that I can't stand. Or really even visits from more than two people.
Tinnitus has turned me into a hermit. When I'm in a room w/ a bunch of people and there's more than one conversation going on, it gives me a panic attack. Small talk is intolerable. I'm okay with Shopgirl, but mostly I need to be alone.
Ergo, most of my friends are held off. Calls or emails are okay, but visits don't work.
That doesn't make me... anti-social... does it?
So give me a holiday where I can chill by my lonesome and not go to work, and that's a good day. Obligations, gatherings, parties, not so much.
No, I didn't used to be like this. I remember looking forward to holidays like anybody else. But with this screaming noise in my head for the past 15 years...
"I done got old and I can't do the things I used to do."
I am exactly the same way. I don't even answer my phone. I've got one best friend, and she'll IM to make sure I'll answer when she calls. (she's moved away last month, so I don't have to worry about visits) I've got a couple semi-best friends, but we don't get together much. Pretty much the only people I can stand are my kids, that's as much family as I need. I was never so relieved as when my ex and I agreed to divorce in '96. Haven't tried to replace him, 'cos frankly, I don't like people either, and why would I give up my autonomy just so I can clean up some guy's laundry? 'Course, someone to mow the lawn would be nice, but I'm not helpless, and it's not worth the work.
Caller ID is the best invention since air conditioning. I rarely answer (as Jeff can verify) and now I need a little security cam outside my front door with a live feed that goes to a channel on the TV, like in city apartments.
My rule of thumb is anybody worth seeing would call first. So I never answer the door. But it takes so much effort to sneak around to a vantage point where I can peek outside.
We used to live in an old house in an old part of town, and the first December there we had Christmas Carolers on the front lawn. We didn't know what to do. Shopgirl ran upstairs and hid. I actually went outside and listened, which I still can't believe to this day.
When they were done singing, there was this horrible moment of awkwardness where the carolers and I just looked at each other. I'm thinking, "What the fook do I do? Do I tip them?"
Heh. I think you're supposed to offer them hot chocolate, or some such. Fuck 'em if they didn't have the forsight to bring a thermos of hot-buttered rum! I never answer the door either, unless I feel like fucking with the sales people, because that's all it usually is. I do want to get a sign that says "If you don't have an appointment and you knock on my door, the management is not responsible for what happens next. Your families, however, will be responsible for carting away the remains and cleaning up the mess." Or just simply, "My demon can kick your god's ass!"
I have said to them that they're knocking on my door is an insult because it assumes I'm either too stupid or too lazy to pick up a phone book and find a vendor myself if I needed one. Fucker almost fell off the porch, he couldn't back away fast enough. Hate them guys.
Apparently Dennis Quaid has a sign on his ranch property that says, "This house guarded by shotgun three days a week. YOU guess which three."
That seems like it'd be a lot more effective than "No Soliciting".
No shit, though. Why would I ever buy something from either a telemarketer or a guy who shows up on my doorstep???
Yeah, fuckwad!! It's a fucking miracle you showed up because I've been needing this EXACT THING but haven't gotten around to buying it from AN ACTUAL FUCKING STORE!! By all means, let me give you MONEY!!
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