If you want the full list, you can get the male or female. There's a lot out there and it took me a long time to get through them all. But every time I found one I'd never heard before and laughed out loud at it, I noted it.
Here, my opinion based on my own sick sense of humor, are the Top 14 Euphemisms for Male and Female masturbation.
MALE
Badgering the witness
Civil War
Faxing Jimmy Dean
Freeing the hostages
Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
Hanging out with Peter Tork
Lighting the lava lamp
One hand clapping
Organ solo
Rootin' for the Yankees
Shaking hands with the unemployed
Singing with Donny Osmond
Takin' the bunt sign
Teaching your kids to swim
FEMALE:
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Double-clicking your mouse
Driving Ms. Daisy
Erasing the problem
Filling your niche
Finishing the job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Killing off
Menage a moi
Putting the dot in .org
Sending Muffin Morse Code
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Working out at the Y
Keep in mind, these are only the ones I've never heard before and made me laugh. I still have my personal favorites.
For men, it has to be either "Spackling the ceiling" or the classic "Punching the clown".
For women, "Teasing the kitty" and "Buffin' the muffin"
Your personal preferences?
One love. (That should've been on the list!!)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
50 comments:
Takin' care o' bidness?
I'm also a big fan of "chucking one in the sink."
Takin' care o' bidness?
True dat. That can apply to men, women, couples, pooping, all kinds of good stuff.
Isn't that what Elvis used to call taking a dump? I heard that somewhere.
I'm also a big fan of "chucking one in the sink.
I like that one too.
Gets to the whole utility of the thing.
Is "Cleaning the whites" on there?
For the ladies I like;
Getting a stinky pinky
Juicing Lucy
And;
Cleaning between the camel's toes
That's just downright nasty.
I think "Cleaning the whites" WAS on there.
One that I thought of later --"Going on a mission with Captain Solo", did NOT make the list.
Cleaning between the camel's toes
I did LOL at that one, but I left some of the more rancid stuff off the list. "Digging in the trench", etc.
For the record, Shopgirl was MOST visibly sickened by "Getting the last pickle out of the jar."
I'm not even sure what that MEANS. Shopgirl did. I like the more bizarre things. And the simpler the better.
"Going on a date with Rosy Palm and her five slutty sisters" is too elaborate. "Polishing the pork sword" is too blatant.
"Singing with Donny Osmond" -- again, I don't even know what it means and it fuckin' KILLS me -- that's the good stuff.
"Singing with Donny Osmond"
Dude, he had five brothers he sang with. Kinda queer if you ask me, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Sounds more like a gay circle jerk.
Was "Singing with Michael Jackson" on there?
Funny story about the Osmonds... I was about 15 and I asked my Mom to pick up tickets to the Allman Brothers show. She comes back and has tickets to the Osmond Brothers, I fell out laughing. My Hispanic Catholic Mom, always getting things tangled up language wise. Funny shit.
I must lead a sheltered life, cos I've never heard of most of these. It's all just jacking off to me, girls or boys. When I took the Human Sexuality class (gotta love that liberal arts ed!), we started by making lists of names for male and female naughty bits, and I could come up with many more - though there were still names I'd never heard on both sides.
SoS, my stepmother bought us tickets to Donny and Jimmy Osmond when I was little, though it was a year after I stopped listening to them. It was two hours of girls screaming. Awful. But I would have died to be looking forward to the Allman Bros and end up with the Osmonds. Argh!
"Getting the last pickle out of the jar."
Come on people!
Visualize!
You open a jar with one pickle and lots of pickle juice. You stick your hand in the jar, reaching in a far as possible with like two fingers which wiggle around in the juice while the slippery little devil sloshes around slipping between your fingers repeatedly. And then, finally, with a serious feeling of satisfaction you've got it. Done.
"Give me the tickets to the Brothers concert!"
"The Osmond Brothers?"
"Yes! The Brothers! Los Hermanos!"
Easy enough mistake. THANK you for explaining the euphemism!
we started by making lists of names for male and female naughty bits, and I could come up with many more - though there were still names I'd never heard on both sides.
Examples?
You stick your hand in the jar, reaching in a far as possible with like two fingers which wiggle around in the juice while the slippery little devil sloshes around slipping between your fingers repeatedly. And then, finally, with a serious feeling of satisfaction you've got it. Done.
Okay, I changed my mind. I don't wanna hear about snark's fetishes. If putting your hand up in there as if you're turning the baby around before delivery is what you're into, power to the people, brudda.
And yet, oddly, I feel like I need a cigarette.
Hmm. Either that turned me on or it's a day that ends in "y".
Huh. Ellen Degeneres used to have a bit where she talked about trying to get the pickle out of the jar - it was all about how they're stuck in there, and you have to make a claw and the juice goes all over. snark's description (sounds painful to me, but then, I never got into fisting, really) makes me totally rethink Ellen's skit.
If putting your hand up in there as if you're turning the baby around before delivery is what you're into,
Exactly.
Examples?
Heh. Little Vigilante?
There's a big difference between getting a pickle out of a full jar and getting the last pickle out of the jar, no?
And I'm not talking about fisting. Just about the fingers wiggling around inside the jar with the "pickle" slipping back and forth between them. Focus on the fingers, not the fist you degenerates.
'Course, no one sticks their hands in a pickle jar. That's what forks are for. And really, there's not much feeling on the inside, so all that wiggling sounds uncomfortable. All the good bits are on the outside, IMO. If you're looking for insertion, a nice zucchini is better than a pickle any day.
And really, there's not much feeling on the inside, so all that wiggling sounds uncomfortable.
I think we all know where the "pickle" is.
That's what forks are for.
Now that's bizarre!
Fork Fetish!
I was going to avoid it but a couple of good ones I heard in the Army were:
Clubbing the Seal
Punishing Percy
One More Round with the Interrogators
For Women:
The Finger Taco Tango
Feeding Wilbur
HA!!! Another good female one that was too gross to post (but all the gloves are off at this point):
"Scraping the cheese off the taco."
WHOA!!!!
And snark, you said:
You stick your hand in the jar
Nobody's hand needs to go up in dere. Whaddayou, looking for your car keys? You lose a contact lens in there?
Just wanted to add this from Jeffrey this morning.
That flow chart shit is old news.
How is old Jeff though?
I don't think I'll ever play with myself again after this... I may never eat again, either. Feeling kinda queasy right now.
The Palin flow chart? Hilarious. I printed it out for my boss. Say hi to Jeff for me, too.
Nobody's hand needs to go up in dere.
I agree. Which is why, after a certain point of course, length don't matter, unless you're interested in boinking someone from across the room or you're into some other weird shit that requires extra room to maneuver.
All the actions at the door, however you chose to enter.
But the point of the "getting the last pickle out of the jar" isn't about the reaching in. Forget that. It's about the finger action.
I may never eat again, either.
Eat what?
How is old Jeff though?
Jeff was born 1,968 years after Jesus, who didn't exist, wasn't born.
But if you want the standard response, he'll be 40 on Dec. 10th. Whatever the hell that means.
I don't think I'll ever play with myself again after this...
Are you kidding? I've jerked it twice since I rejoined the conversation this morning.
Little Vigilante?
No can do. Little Vigilante already exists.
I prefer "Vlad the Impaler."
Jeff was born 1,968 years after Jesus, who didn't exist, wasn't born.
But if you want the standard response, he'll be 40 on Dec. 10th. Whatever the hell that means.
Is he dyslexic like you too?
Eat what?
Pickles, tacos, hotdogs, anything, ever. Blech. Could be just the hangover, though.
Vlad. Funny. That's the name of my big black dildo.
snark, I did a double take on "how old" too. Funny that MV answered it, though.
Vlad. Funny. That's the name of my big black dildo.
Does it have a kickstand?
Does it have a kickstand?
Heh. Dang, missed that little feature.
Everyone get scared off by the big black dildo?
Is he dyslexic like you too?
He IS, actually. We have that in common, along with colorblindness and being atheists.
We have intense conversations about how there is no dog.
BADA-DA-BOOM.
Thank you! I'll be here all week! Enjoy the veal!
Does it have a kickstand?
Fuckin' laughing out loud at my desk. Yeah, I'm probably working.
Everyone get scared off by the big black dildo?
Won't be the first time! Sheesh. For a historical election, it's pretty dang boring. Is anyone going to watch tonight? I figure if McCain's gonna "bring it" I want to see him crash and burn live. But shit, if it's just going to be a retread of the last two, forget it.
Everyone get scared off by the big black dildo?
That's so goddamn funny. Big. Black. Dildo.
My Uncle Louie passed a kidney stone recently. He said we wasn't worried about the pain, he was just worried about "Big Jim and the twins."
Uncle Lou cracks me up. Big-time movie Italian accent. I once heard him complaining about his son's little league pitcher.
"OH!! Dis kid's got an arm like a FOOT! He can't trow from here da there!"
I think I'm gonna record the debate and watch it later if I hear anything interesting happened. Like McCain losing his shit, sweeping everything below shoulder-level off the table and yelling, "I don't have to fucking sit here and take this shit from a nigger!"
That's so goddamn funny. Big. Black. Dildo.
Say Hello to my li'l frien'!
I heard they sedate McCain before debates so that doesn't happen, MV. Wouldn't be surprised.
Say Hello to my li'l frien'!
It totally fits your personality to own a Big Black Dildo with a kickstand. That's fuckin' COOL.
I heard they sedate McCain before debates so that doesn't happen, MV.
Really? He needs sedation? Why not give him a shot of morphine and he can just sleep through it.
What if he has a heart attack on stage and dies. What would they do then? Obama vs. Palin and The Enduring Legacy Of A Legendary War Hero?
Fuck, that's ugly. That's FUGLY.
I'll watch it but I'm taking BOTH "my friends" and "fundamental" in the drinking game.
Call the ecnalubma!
[The dyslexic crowd will get that one.]
Ugh, no drinkin' for me tonight. I'm still woozy from last night.
I'll watch it but I'm taking BOTH "my friends" and "fundamental" in the drinking game.
Pussy. Take "maverick" along with those two. You'll get so fucked up you won't remember your own name tomorrow.
Oh, the humanity.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. Currently she's on tour, in Boston tonight, at 50, still doing the faux two-fingered taco tango on stage.
Meanwhile, Guy, whose second movie launched the careers of Vinnie Jones and megastar Jason Statham and pretty much everybody else in the movie, but did nothing for Guy's career.
Right now he's trying to finish a Hollywood paycheck called "Sherlock Holmes" with Downey Jr. and Jude Law as Holmes and Watson.
Good move there, sport. I'm sure it'll be as big as "Iron Man".
Downey as Sherlock? Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about that one. And who knew Madonna was still around? Also, I'm not sure I'd call Statham a megastar, though I do love the Transporter flicks, and thought Crank was the funniest dang thing evah. I hear they're making another one. Silly. I loved him in The Italian Job too.
He's not a household name, but everybody knows The Transporter.
and thought Crank was the funniest dang thing evah. I hear they're making another one.
They are. I've seen lots of pictures from the set. Amy Smart topless with pasties, without pasties, etc.
It's weird that you can find the nude scenes online before the movie comes out. That's not gonna help the box office.
...the box office.
Isn't that another one of those names for coochie?
Yep. My productions (from Italian Stallion Inc.) used to create a lot of enthusiasm at the box office. The box office would go CRAZY for anything I put out.
But Italian Stallion hasn't gotten a decent box office release in a very long time.
We're not closing our doors yet and we're constantly rehearsing new material, but it's been hard to come up with a release date.
Ooh, and the Dow is down more than 700 points at close for the second time ever.
By the Gods it's a great time to be alive.
Heh. He said box office...
But seriously. Crank and "money at the box office" really don't belong together, I don't think. It's Statham's Plan 9 I tell you. So bad it's good.
Crank, with a production budget of $12 million, made $27.8 mil domestic and another $16 mil foreign, for a grand total of:
$44,777,321.
Movie makes 3.7 times the budget? That's a hit. Hence, the sequel.
Hey, I almost forgot...
Two Fisted, Double Pumper
I've been catching up with my True Blood episodes.
Post a Comment