Fook it all

Holiday Weekend

2011-04-23T07:06:00.000-07:00

The Doctor's back! Yay!

Shut it down!

2011-04-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

Rubber meets the road and all that.

.

Oh Canada

2011-02-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

Justin Bieber (for some reason) got interviewed in Rolling Stone:

Asked if he wanted to become an American citizen, Bieber made clear his love for Canada -- and its health care system.

"You guys are evil," he told the magazine, out on February 18th. "Canada's the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don't need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you're broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard's baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby's premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home."

BADA-BING, the kid nails it.

And somehow, even the Huffington Post headlines the article:

Justin Bieber On Health Care: U.S. System 'Evil'

I mean, yeah, technically he did say that, but that's not the message. When I saw that headline, I thought oh shit, that little fucker's career is gonna tank. And since I'm one of the 0.75 percent that reads past the headline in this country, I read it and it's a totally different sentiment about the simplicity of living in a compassionate country, versus living in a consumer/capitalist/apathetic country.

And you know the average fuckhead is gonna glance at that and say, "No, Suzie, you can't listen to that CD because that boy said the US is evil."

Do I care if retarded illiterate fuckheads are preventing their snotty asshole children from listening to Justin Bieber albums? No. But it shouldn't be because of this.

Sergio!

2010-01-31T08:42:00.001-08:00

2010-01-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm just crazy, but it seems like there's a side of this health care reform issue that needs attention. We're trapped in our jobs. Not just because of the economy and 10% unemployment. If those conditions were perfect, we'd still be trapped because if we leave the job, we lose our health insurance. And maybe unemployment is at 0% and the economy is booming, but there's still gonna be a window of time where you're uninsured and suddenly your appendix bursts and -- oops -- you're bankrupt. You lose your house. You're fucked.

Maybe that's just paranoia, but I think it's rampant in our culture and our mindset. Maybe this is all just coming up because I'm re-reading Douglas Coupland's Generation X and his characters are so cool in how they've walked away from the bullshit consumerism of our culture -- the obsession with stuff -- so they're all so hip and working "McJobs" as bartenders and shopgirls, and they're so cute and clever and then it occurs to me, Douglas Coupland is Canadian. The story takes place in a desert town in the American southwest and the main character is from Oregon, but still...

Sure, it's easy to be hip and anti-corporate when you get free health care as your birthright.

But what about us? How many of us are stuck in jobs, afraid to take risks or start new businesses, because we'd be fucked if something happened to us while we were out on our own?

And is that what we want our culture to be? Don't Republicans want to be their own boss and start a business? I read Atlas Shrugged four or five times. The heros are innovators who start their own businesses and design new engines or create new metals and then make a profit and hire more people and expand and retire while the thing you've created lives on...

Isn't that the American Dream? But how do you do that without health insurance? You have to buy whatever's out there and then you have to pay to insure your employees, and in most cases you drown in lost revenue and paperwork, your profit is gone followed quickly by your employees and you have to close your doors. Too Small to Succeed.

We need universal health care to give people the freedom to take chances.

But that's not what our country wants for us. America wants us to be corporate slaves. I am a corporate slave. As of the first of the year, my Massuhs don't carry Health Alliance anymore, so now I'm on Blue Cross Blue Shield, and BCBS doesn't think my psychiatrist is giving me the right dosage of medication for the treatment of tinnitus-related anxiety.

Of course BCBS should know best, because I just registered a UserID on their website yesterday and I've only been seeing my doctor for the past five years.

We're fighting it, but if we lose, then I just have to live with a little more anxiety than usual, and hope it doesn't affect my steadfast determination to KEEP MY JOB because if Massuh lets me go, I won't be able to afford the other medications that are keeping me alive.

Slave. You can call me that.

If you haven't already, please go sign the petition to establish health care as a civil right.

DK!

2009-12-17T05:00:00.001-08:00

Oh hell no.

2009-08-11T06:21:00.000-07:00

According to CNN, the National Republican Senatorial Committee emailed a "Proxy Ballot" to 'Puke supporters, asking them "Who ya'll like in 2012 for pres'dent?"

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, former Utah. Gov. Jon Huntsman, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, Sen. John McCain, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, Texas Rep. Ron Paul, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Mitt Romney.

Discuss.

Rock on John Hughes.

2009-08-06T16:25:00.000-07:00

BALLS.

2009-08-05T07:45:00.001-07:00

TOO FOOKIN' FUNNY!

2009-07-31T06:31:00.001-07:00

They actually did it. And Joe Biden showed up so the white guy wouldn't feel outnumbered.

For those of you keeping score at home:

The president was drinking Bud Light, Biden was drinking Buckler (a nonalcoholic beer), Gates was drinking Samuel Adams Light and Crowley was drinking Blue Moon.

FU, Gates! Where's the Red Stripe!?! Man, there's a guy who doesn't know how to pick his battles.

Loved this, in case anybody missed it

2009-07-24T05:02:00.001-07:00

Is this the worst decade ever?

2009-07-22T09:50:00.001-07:00

2000-2009 is almost over. Worst ever? What are we even gonna call it? "The Oh's"?

Subquestion: What's your favorite decade in whatever framework you choose? Movies, music, recreational drugs, sex, trends, politics, etc.

Discuss.

Michael Who?

2009-06-26T04:50:00.001-07:00

Fuck Politics... Let's Dance!!

2009-06-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

Classic Elvis Laughing His Ass Off

2009-04-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

I guess there was a bald guy in the first few rows, then he gets the giggles but the backup singer keeps at it, which just makes him laugh harder!! CLASSIC!!

I'm on a boat!!

2009-04-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Atonement

2009-02-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

Fighting crime in'nt cheap, you know?

2009-02-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

C'mon, guys. Somebody must understand this shit. Soto makes a little money off TLC.

How does this work?

I'll take any and all advice.

I won't do this EVERY day, but...

2009-02-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

Wall Street hit Main Street today, but I also got candy, so...

SoS, sorry about your wife's aunt.

Snark, YAY TECHNOLOGY! Boo Steve Martin's schedule.

See how that works? Good things, bad things, it all comes around. That day of the headphones at the movie, I felt like the universe had spun the big karmic wheel of fortune and the arrow landed on me. I'd like more of those days and less of the other kind, but I think they probably even out.

We tend to notice the hard times more.

New thread. As you were!

So Happy!!!

2009-01-31T13:21:00.001-08:00

PS: Taken is an air-tight, kick-ass thriller. It's not Bond and it's not Bourne, and I'm glad.

Things for a Snowed-In Coyote To Do

2008-12-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

The company I work for has a regional office in Salem, OR, and I noticed today on our intranet that they're closed "again". I guess they're having the same problem as Coyote. So, I did a quick search on The Google and found fun activities to do when you're snowed in and quickly descending into bugfuckity madness!

MAKE SNOW ICE CREAM!

3 cups loose, clean snow

2 tbsp. milk

1/4 cup sugar

1 tsp. vanilla extract

CREATE AN ICE SCULPTURE (pornographic, preferably)

And five other tips on the link above!

Or you could just do what I'd do under ideal, snowed in circumstances:

Grab a handful of snow, throw it in a bong (instead of water), toke up, and watch OnDemand episodes of Californication!

Enjoy, Snow Bunny! We're thinking of you!

One (frozen) love,

Humans Are Still Evolving, I Guess.

2008-11-28T15:55:00.000-08:00

This is Cyril Raffaelli, a crazy French spider monkey. He was in Live Free or Die Hard and he does the fight choreography for The Transporter movies.

Crazy, right? So I'm watching him today in Live Free, and it reminds me of the weird game of tag video I posted before (which I can't find now, but it was freaky.)

And it's got me thinking, what the hell is going on with human beings being able to do shit like this?

Jackie Chan was weird enough, but now it seems like there's all this YouTube footage of dudes that can run up walls and jump ridiculously high. I don't remember people being able to do this stuff. Do you?

Is there an evolutionary shift or jump of some kind happening? Remember the first time you saw Michael Jordan sail through the air from the foul line to the slam dunk? Nobody ever did that before. Now we have crazy spider monkey dudes who can run forever and pull off all this acrobatic ninja shit.

Where does this end? I bet telekinesis is not far off. People moving things with their mind. People levitating, and not in that gay David Blaine way. Or maybe people will just start flying next?

I think it's weird. I don't remember ever seeing anybody do stuff like this. Quite frankly, it's freaking my shit out more than a little.

Goddamn freaky French spider monkeys.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

2008-11-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought it was safe to subscribe to Rolling Stone again...

I can't handle this shit. Why do we care?? Is there anybody who hasn't had enough yet?? Is there a brighter sign in the universe that we are a truly disgusting culture??

We love us some freakshows. And look at the other headlines next to her Photoshopped abs and right arm. Any one of those would make a better cover. Throw a Sci-Fi Beyonce up there WITH Micky Rourke, all the Skanky Brits, and Drew Barrymore fellating green sex toys. There's your Rolling Stone cover.

Remember when being on "The Cover of the Rolling Stone" used to mean something? The fact that this... person has any kind of "comeback" to speak of only proves how depraved, lazy, and bored we are as a culture. It's only by the grace of our lingering, morbid curiousity that she's still around. It's not about talent.

And look at that wig!! Didn't she shave her head like six months ago??

Meh. Happy Turkey Day, ya'll. One love.

Ninja Attacks Scientology Celebrity Centre!!

2008-11-24T06:25:00.000-08:00

More weird shit emerges about Scientology. Over the weekend, a guy in his forties parked his red convertible at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood, and approached two armed private security guards.

Oh, and the man was carrying two swords. Like anyone who brings a knife to a gun fight, he's dead.

One guard told police he "felt threatened for his life" and fired at the man, who he said was close enough to hurt him and two other guards.

Police detained the guard for questioning, but said surveillance tape footage of the incident backed his claim of self-defense.

The tape showed the man, whose identity has not been released, arriving at the Celebrity Centre, parking his red convertible in the lot, getting out of the vehicle and approaching three security guards while waving a sword in each hand.

I'd actually like to know more about this. On the surface it looks like a crazy guy doing a "suicide by cop", but why swords? Why the Scientology Celebrity Centre? Was he a rogue ninja warrior hired by Katie's parents to rescue her from Tom? Did he know there'd be armed security there? Was he tilting at windmills and got capped? Just what the fuck is really going on here?

Anyway, some Monday morning WTF for you. One love.

I Heart Paradox

2008-11-19T07:27:00.000-08:00

I think he's outdone himself this time.

A little Obama optimism from me -- Retro Style.

2008-11-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

"Every dog [and cat] deserves a decent dinner"

2008-11-03T13:01:00.001-08:00

I don't know if you already know about this, but a 12 year old girl from Oregon set up a website, in association with PetCo and some other big sponsors. Hence, freekibble and its sister site, freekibblekat.

I got to these sites every day. On freekibble, you are asked a trivia question about dogs. Whether you get the question right or wrong,10 pieces of dog food are donated to a canine shelter.

Follow the "click here to... feed cats too!" link and you'll go to freekibblekat. Same deal. Answer a trivia question and right or wrong, 10 pieces of cat food are donated to a feline shelter.

The site proudly boasts, as of today:

51,332,920 pieces of kibble donated since April 1, 2008
Over 434,976 nutrituous meals serverd to hungry dogs and cats!

Anyway, it's fun, it's easy, you can't lose, and hungry, homeless puppies and kittens get fed.

Bookmark it. You can only play once a day per IP address, so I like to hit this one from home AND work.

The lowdown:

Mimi Ausland, a 12 year old girl from Bend, Oregon, wanted to help feed the hungry animals at her local animal shelter. “There are 10’s of thousands of dogs and cats in animal shelters across the country, all needing to be fed a good meal.” Say hello to freekibble.com and freekibblekat.com!

Freekibble.com's primary mission is to provide good, healthy food to dogs and cats to those shelters who are working so hard to see that none of them go hungry - they need our help. In addition to providing free kibble to the Humane Society of Central Oregon, we've added 10 new shelters to the program (from Oregon to Florida!)

One love.

Fookin' Printers, man.

2008-10-21T15:44:00.001-07:00

Introducing Hank Freeman

2008-10-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't updated my website, I thought I'd show you the first peek of what I'm working on. It's a new ongoing comic series about this dude, Hank, who travels from town to town in search of his father, who was a legendary private investigator. Dad was abducted when Hank was 17. Hank barely managed to escape.

Over the past 20 years, Hank has never stopped searching for his old man. And he tries to live "off the grid" because whoever took his dad has been searching for HANK for 20 years too.

I don't have a title for it yet. But it took me a week or two to get the look I wanted for Hank. And I'm writing the first episode.

Anyway, you're the first people to see this. What do you think of his look?

One love.

The Blind Leading The Blind

2008-10-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

Remember this dude? Mr. Potatoe Head? Well, he still gets media attention in Indiana, where he's from. Right now he's trying to help some former aide get the Indiana AG slot.

And he has some advice for Hockeymom!

Quayle, a relatively unknown senator from Indiana before he was chosen to run with President George H.W. Bush, said in Indianapolis Wednesday that the treatment Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is receiving as John McCain's VP choice reminds him of his treatment 20 years ago.
Quayle said he thinks Palin has handled herself well in spite of a torrent of criticism of her experience and her responses during interviews. Quayle said he offered Palin advice on how to deal with the spotlight.

"I basically said, 'Look, just be yourself. You were selected by John McCain because of who you are and what you have done,'" Quayle said. "Don't let them take anything away from you. Just go out and be yourself."

"Be Yourself." That's great advice, Danny, but Sarah Palin isn't going on a blind date.

More appropriate advice would be "Be someone infinitely more qualified than yourself."

Euphemisms for Masturbation, Male and Female

2008-10-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

If you want the full list, you can get the male or female. There's a lot out there and it took me a long time to get through them all. But every time I found one I'd never heard before and laughed out loud at it, I noted it.

Here, my opinion based on my own sick sense of humor, are the Top 14 Euphemisms for Male and Female masturbation.

MALE

Badgering the witness
Civil War
Faxing Jimmy Dean
Freeing the hostages
Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
Hanging out with Peter Tork
Lighting the lava lamp
One hand clapping
Organ solo
Rootin' for the Yankees
Shaking hands with the unemployed
Singing with Donny Osmond
Takin' the bunt sign
Teaching your kids to swim

FEMALE:

Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Double-clicking your mouse
Driving Ms. Daisy
Erasing the problem
Filling your niche
Finishing the job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Killing off
Menage a moi
Putting the dot in .org
Sending Muffin Morse Code
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Working out at the Y

Keep in mind, these are only the ones I've never heard before and made me laugh. I still have my personal favorites.

For men, it has to be either "Spackling the ceiling" or the classic "Punching the clown".

For women, "Teasing the kitty" and "Buffin' the muffin"

Your personal preferences?

One love. (That should've been on the list!!)

Yo, Juice! Watch out for your cornhole, bud!!

2008-10-05T07:45:00.001-07:00

THIRTEEN YEARS TO THE DAY OF HIS ACQUITTAL FOR CARVING UP RON GOLDMAN AND NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON, THE BITCH-ASS MUTHERFUCKER IS GOING TO JAIL.

Yay Karma!

After 13 hours of deliberation Friday, the jurors found Simpson guilty on 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping in connection with the 2007 attempted heist of memorabilia he said had been stolen from him. The verdict came 13 years to the day after his acquittal in Los Angeles.

I'm so happy. He could very well be spending the rest of his life in the pokey. You know who else is happy? Fred Goldman.

"We're absolutely thrilled to see that the potential is that he could spend the rest of his life in jail, where the scumbag belongs," Goldman said Saturday. "Right now, there is not much more to say other than we're going to wait to find out what else happens."

I don't think the Goldmans ever really expected they'd see any of that $33.5 million civil judgment, but I don't think they really care.

So where were you when they announced the verdict back in '95? Snark was probably on his honeymoon. I was working for Illinois State University at the time and I watched the verdict while I was home for lunch.

I was beyond disgusted. But also a little relieved. I half-expected a riot on campus if he was convicted. Things coulda got really ugly in a big hurry in this country.

And to this day, 13 years later, I still know at least two people who think O.J. is innocent of slaughtering Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown.

Two bad we didn't have the faith in DNA evidence that we have now. But anyway, asshole's going to jail. Sentencing is December 5.

One love (except for sick fucks like "the juice")

The debates left a bad taste in your mouth. Try some of this.

2008-10-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

Stephen Marley has the short(er) hair, Damian has the long dreadlocks.

We can still keep talking about the debate and snark's secret fetishes -- I just wanted to play a cool song.

One love.

"You'll get nothing out of me."

2008-10-01T15:29:00.001-07:00

I told you I was gonna start a post on the subject. Now what is it? Do you love each other's feet? Arm pits? Can't get enough of each other's pits? Is it role playing? A little "Dead Girl By The Side Of The Road"?? You bring in other dudes? Other chicks? Is it exhibitionism? You did it during the play? Elevators? Taxi cab confessions? Is it like Secretary? She crawls across the floor to bring you your mail? Swingers? Polyamorous? Vacuum-sealed bondage bags? Tie me up tie me down? Subways late at night? On the roof of the apartment building? In the alley outside Elaine's? Although they say Elaine's is dead.

So? What's the deal?

And if he's really not gonna tell us anything, at least share some of the most fucked up shit you've ever heard.

Coincidence? Perhaps...

2008-09-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

This man went to Harvard Law.
This man ALSO went to Harvard Law.

How has this escaped us? My God the implications. My original paradigm is now completely shattered.

Did General Petraeus Say Obama's Plan Would Result in Defeat in Iraq??

2008-09-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

Here's the man in question himself, with my cousin Chelsea in Afghanistan. Working out in the officer's gym, I guess.

Every time McCain made that claim, it went unchallenged. Somebody find out. I'm crashing.

One love.

Don't Look For Me. I'll Find You.

2008-09-24T20:11:00.001-07:00

For those of you just tuning in, our president has effectively postponed the election process. If anything happens in October that is even the least bit terroristy, we will have Martial Law. The neocons will collectively lose their shit and Bush will postpone the general election. Indefinitely.

So! I'm thinking the quickest route to Canada is straight through Wisconsin and Minnesota and once I hit Winnipeg, assuming I get across, I'm gonna work my way west to Vancouver. I think that's where the progressive rebels will probably head.

We are so fucked. I wish John Lennon were alive to see this. He'd fucking spit and punch a hole through a wall.

One love.

A Lighter Topic: Job Interview Stories

2008-09-23T17:33:00.000-07:00

Other great interview tips I've heard recently:

-- "Nice diploma. That was my fall back school."

-- "That was okay, but let's try that again and this time shake my hand like you've got a pair."

-- "When I'm nervous in situations like this, I like to picture the person across from me naked. With my junk in their mouth."

-- "Let's cut to the chase. Who and where is the office slut?"

My weirdest job interview question:

"Who is the greatest American of the past fifty years and why?"

What about you? Gimme some fucked up interview stories.

One love.

WWRPD?

2008-09-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

In the midst of this economic mess, I'm sure you've all been wondering, "What would Ron Paul do?"

Well, luckily for us Dr. Paul has stepped down from Mt. Olympus to deliver his take on things.

For years they thought the economy was booming, growth was up, job numbers and productivity were increasing. Yet now we find ourselves in what is shaping up to be one of the most severe economic downturns since the Great Depression.

Unfortunately, the government's preferred solution to the crisis is the very thing that got us into this mess in the first place: government intervention.

Yeah, you knew that was coming. But just hear the man out.

Government-sponsored enterprises Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were able to obtain a monopoly position in the mortgage market, especially the mortgage-backed securities market, because of the advantages bestowed upon them by the federal government.

Laws passed by Congress such as the Community Reinvestment Act required banks to make loans to previously underserved segments of their communities, thus forcing banks to lend to people who normally would be rejected as bad credit risks.

These governmental measures, combined with the Federal Reserve's loose monetary policy, led to an unsustainable housing boom. The key measure by which the Fed caused this boom was through the manipulation of interest rates, and the open market operations that accompany this lowering.

And finally:

I am afraid that policymakers today have not learned the lesson that prices must adjust to economic reality. The bailout of Fannie and Freddie, the purchase of AIG, and the latest multi-hundred billion dollar Treasury scheme all have one thing in common: They seek to prevent the liquidation of bad debt and worthless assets at market prices, and instead try to prop up those markets and keep those assets trading at prices far in excess of what any buyer would be willing to pay.

Additionally, the government's actions encourage moral hazard of the worst sort. Now that the precedent has been set, the likelihood of financial institutions to engage in riskier investment schemes is increased, because they now know that an investment position so overextended as to threaten the stability of the financial system will result in a government bailout and purchase of worthless, illiquid assets.

Using trillions of dollars of taxpayer money to purchase illusory short-term security, the government is actually ensuring even greater instability in the financial system in the long term.

So what's the answer?

The solution to the problem is to end government meddling in the market. Government intervention leads to distortions in the market, and government reacts to each distortion by enacting new laws and regulations, which create their own distortions, and so on ad infinitum.

It is time this process is put to an end. But the government cannot just sit back idly and let the bust occur. It must actively roll back stifling laws and regulations that allowed the boom to form in the first place.

The government must divorce itself of the albatross of Fannie and Freddie, balance and drastically decrease the size of the federal budget, and reduce onerous regulations on banks and credit unions that lead to structural rigidity in the financial sector.

Until the big-government apologists realize the error of their ways, and until vocal free-market advocates act in a manner which buttresses their rhetoric, I am afraid we are headed for a rough ride.

Okay, so that's pretty much the whole article. But it's been a slow couple days and nobody else has much to say.

One love.

FOOK ISRAEL.

2008-09-19T07:24:00.001-07:00

WARNING. This may be the first of a series of posts where I trash Israel until somebody can rationally explain to me why we’re so enamored with this fuckin’ place. You’ve managed to turn me around before. Perhaps you can do it again.

Here’s something I already knew but forgot. Israel has a draft and everybody has to serve. Everybody. Women too.

Maybe this is what happens to a country that’s been at war for the past five or six thousand years. But that doesn’t make it right.

So, like any country where your basic freedom to LIVE is taken away, there’s gonna be an underground organization or two that opposes the draft and circulates information on how to dodge it. Until the inevitable crackdown.

Israel is to launch a crackdown on organizations that offer advice on how to evade army service amid a wave of young Jews' disappointment.

Israeli Attorney General Menachem Mazuz ordered on Monday an investigation against the organizations which offer internet advice on evading military service, accusing them of incitement against the army.

Great. Just out of curiosity, since they're all fucked anyway, how DOES an Israeli youth dodge the draft?

"Declaring chronic back or head aches can lower your medical profile, and marking the wrong answers on the psychometric exam certainly decreases the candidate's value for security service, even leading to an automatic discharge from the IDF," one of these websites read.

Might wanna copy and paste that, just for future reference.

What do these organizations think about life in Israel?

For example, New Profile organization says Israeli society is a militaristic one and the army is in control of people's life.

The groups' members accuse the regime of desperately trying to silence them against the freedom of speech.

They say the army has difficulty in understanding society's realities.

The Israeli military’s response? Fuck you. Serve.

So, aside from the undeniable fact that Jesus is gonna be resurrected (again) in this “Holy” place, why the fook do we stick up for them? Because they’re our only foothold in a oil-rich part of the world? We already have Saudi Arabia for that.

(Aside: Weren’t 14 of the 15 hijackers on 9/11 from Saudi Arabia?)

But getting back to Israel. Fuck ‘em. Why do we care?

MICKEY MOUSE MUST DIE!!

2008-09-17T08:09:00.001-07:00

In today’s dose of goofy religious shit, Saudi Arabian cleric Sheikh Muhammad Munajid claims that Mickey Mouse is “one of Satan’s soldiers” who makes everything he “touches” impure, and THEREFORE MUST DIE!!

The cleric, a former diplomat at the Saudi embassy in Washington DC, said that under Sharia, both household mice and their cartoon counterparts must be killed.

Apparently Saudi cleric chuckleheads have a thing about mice. Fictional or non-fictional.

According to a translation prepared by the Middle East Media Research Institute, an American press monitoring service, he said: "The mouse is one of Satan's soldiers and is steered by him.

"If a mouse falls into a pot of food – if the food is solid, you should chuck out the mouse and the food touching it, and if it is liquid – you should chuck out the whole thing, because the mouse is impure.

"According to Islamic law, the mouse is a repulsive, corrupting creature. How do you think children view mice today – after Tom and Jerry?

However, according to Munajid’s translated remarks, he does not at this time call for the death of Jerry. It's likely he’s going after Mickey Mouse first to make an example of him.

At press time, the following fictional mice were unavailable for comment, as was the frozen head of Walt Disney:

Mighty Mouse, Minnie, Bernard & Miss Bianca from The Rescuers, Chuck E. Cheese, the Dormouse, Emily and Alexander (a.k.a. "Country Mouse and City Mouse"), Fievel Mousekewitz, the "Hickory, Dickory, Dock" mouse (who was apparently running up a clock at press time), Hunca Munca, Tom Thumb, Itchy, Pokemon, Pinky, Pixie, Dixie, the Three Blind Mice, and Stuart Little.

Upon hearing the news of Mickey's condemnation, Speedy Gonzales responded simply with, "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!" before running away from reporters.

Mr. Munajid has been talking to the press a lot lately, and not just about killing fictional cartoon characters. He was recently quoted condemning the Beijing Olympics. Not because of China’s horrific history of human rights violations or the invasion and continued occupation of Tibet. No, it was the volleyball girls that drew the ire of Munajid.

Last month Mr Munajid condemned the Beijing Olympics as the "bikini Olympics", claiming that nothing made Satan happier than seeing females athletes dressed in skimpy outfits.

Me and Satan both. In fact, a little less commentary and a little more bikini action and Satan and I would’ve watched much more of the Olympics.

Thanks to the astute observations of Munajid, Satanists and I have finally found a point on which we can agree. We likes us some bikini-clad female athletes. Isn’t it great when differing points of view can find common ground?

But wait. What if the bikini-clad athletes are cartoons?

One love.

I Met This Dude.

2008-09-15T12:31:00.001-07:00

Infinite Jest author David Foster Wallace hung himself in the closet on Friday in his Claremont, California home at the age of 46.

Turkana calls him "The Greatest Writer Of My Generation" and CNN had this to say:

Published in 1996, "Infinite Jest" cemented Wallace's reputation as a major American literary figure. The 1,000-plus-page tome, praised for its complexity and dark wit, topped many best-of lists. Time Magazine named "Infinite Jest" in its issue of the "100 Best English-language Novels from 1923 to 2005."

Wallace received a "genius grant" from the MacArthur Foundation in 1997.

To many he was a literary genius. To me, he was the "Hipster Doofus."

I loathe to speak ill of the dead, but I met Wallace just about a year before he published Infinite Jest. I was working at Illinois State University as a civil servant, and one of the perks of my job was the ability to take up to 10 hours of free classes per semester.

I enrolled in a graduate creative writing class and showed up on the first night. Wallace was the teacher. He walked into class with that 'do rag on his head, wearing cargo shorts, big dumb tennis shoes, and a t-shirt. In the first fifteen minutes he flirted with every girl in the class, said "fuck" and "shit" so the youngsters would think he was cool, and basically announced that he would do no work for his part of the class. We would write and critique each other's work and his role, apparently, was to moderate the discussions.

20 minutes into the class I realized this was going to be a waste of my time. Was I really willing to dedicate 2 nights a week to watching this fool hit on girls and take criticism from the college girl poet mentality?

I had taken every available creative writing course during my bachelor's. I had been praised and criticized and secretly acknowledged "the best in the class by far" by the instructor from the English department. I wanted to get serious and push myself to the next level. And my instincts were telling me this class was going to be a great waste of my time.

So I dropped. I think I stopped by his office for a signature and maybe chatted with him a minute, but that was it.

Two years later I was at Barnes and Noble and saw Infinite Jest perched high atop the stack of New Releases That Demand Your Attention right inside the front door. Curious, I took a copy down and flipped it open to About The Author.

There he was. The Hipster Doofus. With the 'do rag on his head. Why would this guy want this stupid 'do rag shot in his novel? What could he possibly be hiding under that thing?

I picked up the book from the library and couldn't get past the first chapter. I thought it was the most self-indulgent prose I'd read in years. He rambled on and on in a poor-man's imitation of McInerney and Bret Easton Ellis -- all stream of consciousness, leading nowhere.

I couldn't believe it. And it went on for over a thousand pages.

Over the next few years, I couldn't believe how often the guy kept showing up in my life. A review in Entertainment Weekly lauding his collection of short stories. His essay on David Lynch in Rolling Stone magazine. And just after 9/11, he wrote something in our local paper about people being nice to each other at the convenience stores, as we all were in those days.

I hadn't heard about his move to California or what he was working on these days. But I knew The Hipster Doofus was out there, ready to pop up in my reading again at some point.

This morning I saw the CNN article that he had taken his life.

I still think I made the right decision leaving that class. It was clearly a day job for him while he finished up his opus. But it was so weird to see a guy get so swept up in the HYPE and BUZZ of literary success.

Every year thousands and thousands of writers pour themselves into their work and put it out there for rejection. But this guy somehow managed to surf the wave of intangible buzz that every so often launches a lucky lotto winner into The Big Time. The Big Time, and now, Immortality.

Wallace was far better known to his peers than to the general public, but news of his death led to a quick jump in sales for his books. As of Sunday night, "Infinite Jest" was in the top 20 on Amazon.com and "Consider the Lobster" was in the top 75. Several of his books were out of stock.

Turkana knew him as "The Greatest Writer of My Generation." I knew him as a tool. In the final analysis, maybe we're both right. Maybe neither of us is.

But the guy was doing what he wanted to do with his life. His dream came true. And he killed himself.

What's the moral of the story? Achieving your dreams will not make you happy. Fame, recognition, money, none of it will bring lasting happiness. Happiness can only come from within. And in knowing this, we realize that all worldly pursuits are equally amusing and equally meaningless.

I'm reminded to be happy now. Just for the sake of being happy. Without reason. And if I can't be happy now, at least I know it's not because of a lack of worldly achievements.

But I'll never know what he was hiding under that rag on his head.

One love.

I NEED MY SPACE.

2008-09-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

More evidence emerged today that further solidifies my sinking suspicion that marriage is meant for no one.

Bruddas and sistas, we have a growing trend where married couples no longer sleep in the same bed. Sleep apnea, differing schedules, snoring, and the jimmy leg are sending hubby or wifey to the couch, the guest room, and the recliner in the den. CNN has more.

A 2001 random telephone survey of 1,004 adults conducted by the National Sleep Foundation found that 12 percent of married Americans slept alone; a similar 2005 survey of 1,506 people found that number had jumped to 23 percent.

Why is this? Are sleep conditions worse now than they were in 2001? Or are we just getting sick of each other?

Paige Barr, 35, a New York City casting director, says she sleeps apart from her husband, Daniel Craft, 37, for two reasons: his sleep apnea and what Kramer on "Seinfeld" called "the jimmy leg."

"You know when you're just about to fall asleep and you jerk yourself awake? He does that like 36 times an hour for seven hours, 200 times a night," she says. "His hand will jerk or his leg will flail, plus he snores super loud."

Barr, who's lived with her husband, an online content provider, for five years, say they've never been able to sleep together.

"If I were forced to sleep with him, I would break up with him and kill myself," she says. "I need my sleep."

Paige and Daniel clearly have deeper problems that would be better handled by a qualified divorce attorney. Life is short, Paige. Take the medication or go. And just for the record, it would be 252 times a night. Not that math is going to help you right now.

But people are fucking stupid and enjoy making life much more difficult than it really is, which justifies the existence of whiny assholes like clinical psychologist and marriage counselor William F. Harley Jr. who has this to allow:

"Whenever I see a couple wanting private time -- they want to be alone, they want their own friends, they don't want to feel like they're joined at the hip -- my immediate question is, 'What is it about being together that bothers you?'" says Harley, author of "Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Love."

"My feeling is that sleeping together is a very, very important part of being integrated with each other."

"Love Busters!!!!" William, your wife feels like you're suffocating her. At least, I think that's what she said right before I Busted my Love in her hair last night. I keed.

Couldn't it just be that we, as individual human beings, just need a little fucking space? Marriage is designed to stifle individuality and, after a while, if individuality isn't rediscovered, the marriage suffocates and dies.

You have to be two people. One and one make two, not one. Pete Townshend had it completely wrong.

And I haven't even told you the coolest part yet. Check this out. Build your next house with two master bedrooms.

According to the National Association of Home Builders, there's been a steady increase in the number of requests for "two-master bedroom" homes since 1990, prompting the organization to predict that by 2015, 60 percent of all custom upscale homes will be built with two "owner suites."

BRILLIANT. I wish I had thought of it, coined it, patented it, and made a fortune off it.

Luckily, the far cooler and I guarantee you better looking than that putz Harley is Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage: A History" and director of research and public education at the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research organization. She says:

"In the early 20th century, there was this idea that when you were married, you shouldn't have a separate existence," she says. "But in the last 30 years, we've come up with something absolutely revolutionary that says there's more than one way to do marriage. ... People are saying there are lots of ways to have a happy marriage and even a good sex life."

Fuck, isn't it so refreshing when somebody says a thing that makes sense? Not that she gets into specifics, but "marriage" as you know it? It's an endangered instituition. It's dying a slow and agonizing death. Let it go. It wants to go.

Married guys, imagine having your own "owner suite". I leave you with that thought.

One love.

HAPPY WEEKEND!!

2008-09-12T21:51:00.001-07:00

New episode(s) coming this weekend. The biggest fight scene I've ever tried to draw. Total mayhem. We'll see how it goes. Otherwise, it's gonna rain all weekend and I'm glad I don't live in Texas.

My prayers go out to Peter McGoatblower. Lord Baby Jesus watch out for poor Peter. And don't forget, Tiny Little Infant Jesus, about the plan to elect McCain and then SMITE him with all the power at your Almighty Baby Jesus Angry Sky Wizard's disposal.

I keed peter because I know he's miles from the "certain death if you stay" part of Texas.

And it's not like you're reading this anyway. You're still staring at the picture. Hi, Coyote!

One love.

How Do You Get Back On The Boat?

2008-09-12T11:14:00.001-07:00

Okay, I watched this movie last night (the first one was excellent), and I have a quiz for you based on the situation.

If you've seen the movie, don't give it away, please. Here's the situation you're in. Ready?

You and five other adults are sailing on a 75 foot yacht. Two of them have a baby that they've just put down for a nap in the cabin down below.

All six people jump in the water for a swim. One problem. Nobody thought to put the ladder down.

Now you're treading water. Three men, three women. You have your swimsuits, one knife, one diving mask, and one life jacket.

You're cold, you're exhausted, and the baby's crying. How do you get back up on the boat?

Go.

(By the way, according to the Coast Guard, this happens more than you might think. At least they think this is what happens, based on the number of adrift luxury yachts they find floating around at sea.)

Nader Wants A New Investigation on 9/11 Events

2008-09-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader was campaigning in Ohio the other day, and he was questioned by members of a 9/11 Truth group called We Are Change Ohio.

When asked if he supports "the 9/11 Truth Movement and the efforts of activists and victims’ families to expose the lies surrounding the attacks," Nader replied:

“I was there when they were collecting signatures in the audience and I supported it.” Nader commented, referring to We are Change’s activities at the meeting.

“The 9/11 Commission, first of all, it took the members of the great families to push the administration even to have an inquiry, can you imagine an attack like that and the government didn’t even want to have an inquiry?” stated Nader.

You can read the article here. Happy anniversary.

Where were you when it happened?

I was at work, headed downstairs with my friend Jami to get coffee. Somebody told us right before the stairs that two planes had hit the World Trade Center. There's a TV in the cafeteria, so about 50 of us gathered around while everybody else tried to get online. I remember there were no news websites available. The traffic was too thick to get online.

We're All Gonna Get Blowed Up

2008-09-10T06:53:00.001-07:00

Paul Craig Roberts at antiwar.com scared the crap out of me yesterday with a nice summary of what BushCo is actually going to get away with as he waves to the crowds on 1.20.09.

The success of the Bush Regime's propaganda, lies, and deception with gullible and inattentive Americans since 9/11 has made it difficult for intelligent, aware people to be optimistic about the future of the United States. For almost 8 years the US media has served as Ministry of Propaganda for a war criminal regime. Americans incapable of thinking for themselves, reading between the lines, or accessing foreign media on the Internet have been brainwashed.

As the Nazi propagandist, Joseph Goebbels, said, it is easy to deceive a people. You just tell them they have been attacked and wave the flag.

It certainly worked with Americans.

Amazing that quotes like this aren't plastered all over the billboards of Generica.

Roberts goes on to list the damages:

1.25 million dead Iraqis.
4 million displaced Iraqis.
Iraq's infrastructure destroyed.

And we don't even know the death toll in Afghanistan.

What we do know is that all this murder and destruction has no justification and is evil. It is the work of evil men who have no qualms about lying and deceiving in order to kill innocent people to achieve their undeclared agenda.

That such evil people have control over the United States government and media damns the American public for eternity.

America will never recover from the shame and dishonor heaped upon her by the neoconned Bush Regime.

And apparently it's too much "shame and dishonor" for even The Messiah to allieviate, let alone address.

Even Obama, who promises "change" is too intimidated by the neocon's success in brainwashing the American population to do what his supporters hoped he would do and lead us out of the shame in which the neoconned Bush Regime has imprisoned us.

It's important, Roberts reminds us, to realize that the rest of the world isn't buying the lies anymore, if they ever did in the first place. Only the citizens of America, dumb as a stick, sit brainwashed in front of the corporate MSM buying this shit.

To what shit does Roberts refer?

9/11
WMDs in Iraq
al Qaeda connections
Yellowcake
Anthrax attacks
Iranian nukes
"The United States doesn't torture"
Bombings of weddings
Bombings of funerals
Bombings of children's soccer games
Abu Ghraib
Gitmo
Various fabricated "terrorist plots"
The assault on civil liberties
And so on...

John McCain declared: "In the 21st century nations don't invade other nations." Bush later echoed the same sentiment.

Really? Do we really live in a place where these two impotent old men can say such things and be challenged on them only by "fringe" embodiments like Dennis Kucinich?

I guess so. And I leave you with Roberts' necessarily bleak outlook on our future.

Unless enough Americans can overcome their brainwashed state and the rigged Diebold voting machines, turn out the imbecilic Republicans and hold the neoconservatives accountable for their crimes against humanity, a crazed neocon US government will provoke nuclear war with Russia.

The neoconservatives represent the greatest danger ever faced by the United States and the world. Humanity has no greater enemy.

And that's the quintessential truth, Ruth.

One love.

The Real McCain

2008-09-09T16:28:00.001-07:00

Pass this one along too!

Palin the Mighty.

2008-08-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

If I Had Known Then What I Know Now...

2008-08-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

When I was 12 or 13, our parents moved us from the suburbs of Chicago to a hick, nowhere, one-horse town two hours outside the city.

I had to start 7th grade in a new school, new kid, new town. It sucked. It took a year before I had a friend. I took a lot of shit from a lot of people, but I stood up for myself.

Here's what I should've done.

If I had a kid, I'd tell him to do this on his first day of school. Would that make me a bad parent?

Ignore the annoying foreign subtitles.

West Wing's Sorkin To Make Facebook Movie

2008-08-28T12:32:00.001-07:00

According to imdb this morning, Aaron Sorkin's next project is writing a movie about the founders of Facebook.

Screenwriter Aaron Sorkin, who wrote the Tom Hanks movie Charlie Wilson's War, has even opened an account on the site to aid his research.

Sorkin writes on his web page, "I figured a good first step in my preparation would be finding out what Facebook is, so I've started this page. If anyone has any questions, I'd be happy to answer them as best I can. If anyone has any comments, I'm glad to listen."

The 47-year-old admits he doesn't understand Facebook, or "how I'm going to write the movie", so is relying on fans to help him.

He adds, "I have a fairly specific idea of what the first 15 pages of the screenplay will be and no idea what will happen on pages 16 through 130. I have very strong feelings about the internet and its effect on our national culture, but frankly those feelings are being countered by the sophistication, kindness, curiosity and wit of the posts in this site."

Facebook was founded by Mark Zuckerberg in 2004 and has more than 100 million users worldwide.

As a result of this news, The Masked Vigilante will be joining Facebook soon and befriending the great Aaron Sorkin. I'll see you out there.

Drug Czars are here to stay!

2008-08-24T12:14:00.000-07:00

Since we're all so excited about Joe Biden getting the VP gig, I thought I'd pay tribute to the man who created the position of DRUG CZAR, a name that's such a bizarre throwback to regimes of Russia's history, you gotta wonder what the fuck is up with that.

So let's hear a few words from our current Drug Czar, Mr. John Walters, upon the recent discovery of many plants grown by those damn Mexican in OUR national park!

I adore the shabby, half-assed demeanor of this fat fuck as he mumbles a bunch of shit about Hollywood and how he wishes they'd quit showing people smoking pot in movies and having fun. Cuz that's bad.

He even implies that growing pot is such a horrible business, they sometimes FORCE laborers to "come up here" and grow the shit. Like slave labor? And then he vaguely threatens the families of those forced slave workers.

You, sir, are the man upon whom I direct my anger at Joe Biden's nomination. Fook you, Mr. Walters, you STUPID, STUPID DOUCHE BAG of a man. Listen to yourself! You don't even belief the shit coming out of your mouth! You, sir, are a filthy pirate whore and if you were here right now, I would purple nurple those man tits of yours until you screamed.

One love. In loving memory of those beautiful plants that are prolly all destroyed by now.

And for some lighter reading...

2008-08-20T17:57:00.001-07:00

The new comics just keep on comin'!!! You know how much this is deducting from my TV time?

Anyway, I've got big plans for this story arc, so keep checking back and hitting that Refresh button. And as always, I'm open to suggestions. The site is as crude as the drawings. I used to have a webmaster, but he went and had kids. Selfish bastard.

Yellow Dog Hearts Uncle Jeff

2008-08-19T07:06:00.000-07:00

Jeff came down to the Vigilante Fortress on Friday night to hang out. We stayed up until 4:00 shootin' the shit.

This is how I found him the next morning.

He's alive. Barely.

I have a guest room. And couches and chairs and rooms with carpeting. But somehow, the kitchen floor was the place to be.

Where You Bloggin?

2008-08-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

You people got me hooked on reading and commenting at TLC; what other blogs are you frequenting? And not just the Lefty ones. What else are you reading?

Be A Democrat, Get Yourself Shot

2008-08-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Some dude in his 40's walked into the Arkansas Democratic Headquarters a little whle ago and shot party chairman Bill Gwatney a bunch of times, probably killing him, then sped away in his pickup.....truck.

I hope they find this guy and see what he's so upset about. Republicans have made me throw things in the past but I know Republicans. I even have drinking buddies that are Republicans. And they've pissed me off, too. A lot. But to SHOOT a Republican? I wouldn't even know who the Illinois Democratic Party Chairman is, let alone the GOP one.

I hope Gwatney doesn't die, but I also wanna know what's wrong with the shooter.

Fookin' Microsoft, man.

2008-08-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I got really fucked over by Microsoft today. Right now I feel like doing a comic trilogy about my assault on the evil MSEmpire, but that'll prolly fade.

Anyway, I'm working from home this morning and I get this email.

msnbc.com: BREAKING NEWS: Mary-Kate Olsen guilty for Heath Ledger's death

And I'm like, "What the fuck??" so I click on the link and it's a fucking Microsoft virus.

How do I know? Because my computer spontaneously launched Antivirus XP 2008. And what did Antivirus XP 2008 find on my computer? SIX VIRUSES!! And the only thing that can save me is a $50 subscription (monthly? annually?) to Antivirus XP 2008.

I know it's spam and very likely not from Microsoft in anyway, but it lured me in and I got fucked. Luckily, I'm a technological genius on the scale of Albert Einstein and Reed Richards, so this poses no threat.

"But," I thought, "what about the others? The ones who do live in fear of their computers? What will they do when they get this pop-up message?"

And the thing is? This shit pops up every 30 seconds and takes me directly to a place for purchasing Microsoft Antivirus stuff. Not even the real software -- a subscription to the ever-changing software.

So, a random spam email with cheap and tasteless alure brought me to a virus, basically, that keeps telling me I need to buy shit, like RIGHT FUCKING NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE SPREADING A VIRUS!!! (That we just gave you. Bitch.)

I'm a cyber-leper. Look at the picture above. "Do you want to continue browsing unprotected?"

Moral of the story: Fear Sells.

Anyway, that's not even the reason for the post, so I hope you've read this much. As it turns out, due to some recently discovered information, I'm prolly going to be voting for Nader. It's gonna be a Naderific November.

But here's the rub. I'm not crazy about affirmative action. It's just... you know.

So I ask of you, Liberals, teach me why affirmative action is a good thing, like Nader thinks. Convince me. I'm giving you an actual goddamn opportunity to turn somebody around on an issue. That never fucking happens.

IT'S HAPPENING NOW, BABY!

And don't fucking link me to some Haterville post about AA -- I'm asking you to help me understand. YOU.

If you're not busy or nothin'.

One love.

NEW COMICS!!

2008-08-09T16:41:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting here all day, drinking coffee, drawing comics, and listening to the entire 6-CD Beatles Anthology.

I don't know if anybody remembers or cares about the comic, but we're going back to find out what ever happened in Madison w/ Dr. Gravity and Carlos de la Muerte. And then we'll go on from there.

It's been a really, really long time since I sat here and did something creative. I feel really good.

Scarlett says, "One Love."

A Product of Extreme Sexism

2008-08-08T11:02:00.001-07:00

Speaking of George Clooney, the word is Clooney can talk to Senator Obama whenever he feels like it, but if Scarlett Johansson talks to Obama, it causes quite a stir.

According to imdb.com, Ms. Johansson thinks the furor surrounding her email conversations with Obama is quite "sexist."

She tells the New York Daily News, "I kept thinking to myself, 'God, if this was just like ... George Clooney or any of the other (Obama) surrogates or supporters ... there wouldn't be (any) question about it. Nobody would even talk about it.

"It seemed to me to be like a product of
extreme sexism."

And she's absolutely right. Which is why she deserves to bump that beefcake picture down a few notches. 8)

Hot Buttered Biscuit Alba Calls for Equality in Hollywood, or something.

2008-08-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

Jessica Alba doesn't believe in competition with other actresses. She believes they should... work together to demand more... I dunno, money or something.

She says, "I'm not competitive with them (actresses). I root for all of them because we definitely don't have equality with men in this business.

"There are a lot more men making a lot more money and headlining movies than women, and the more of us who can come up and do that the better. I want my friends to produce, direct, act, write, all of it."

She adds, "I think being competitive defeats the whole female movement. I want to be encouraging to my girlfriends. Totally."

Fuckin' A "Totally". Except you're all fighting over the same scripts and you keep getting shit like "The Love Guru" and "Good Luck Chuck".

Actors are paid the big money because it means people will be more likely to see it with them in it. They could have made "Cast Away" with Jan Michael Vincent, but nobody would go see that. So you invest $20 million in Tom Hanks and you've got a decent chance.

That's America. I didn't say I liked it. There aren't a lot of actresses right now that can open a movie. On their own. Why do you think that is?

Seriously, what the fuck is Oliver Stone doing?

2008-07-30T05:09:00.000-07:00

The Boy Scouts? Really?

2008-07-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so what do we think of this particular organization? I'm gonna leave the girl scouts out of this cuz I love the cookies, but what's with the Boy Scouts?

As far as I know, it's a Christian organization, right? I know they don't allow homosexuals. And like other Christian organizations, there's probably a whole lotta buggary going on there.

My brother-in-law's kid is way into it. It came up in a conversation I just had and got me thinking. Being too lazy to do any research, I'm asking you guys what you think.

I have one Boy Scout experience. Jeff knows about this, but I'm gonna tell it anyway.

I got hooked up with some troup, I don't remember who's idea it was. Not mine, I can tell you that. I've never been one who spent their free time doing activities.

Anyway, I think it was my first day and we were at the Den Father's (?) house, building fucking Nativity scenes with power tools. I was just going along with it.

Later, the kid who lived there hung out in his room with a couple of us. While we sat in this kid's bedroom, Den Father started yelling at Den Mother. The yelling escalated into a beating.

We heard all of it. Her pleading with him to not do this while there were kids in the house. Screaming. Him screaming at her. He beat her with something, maybe it was open-palmed slapping; maybe it was a belt.

We all asked the kid what we should do. He stared at the carpet and I think he told us to wait, that it would be over soon.

After that night, I was out. I must've told my parents about it, although I reminded them of this story recently and they had no recollection.

So, pretty fucked up stuff.

What do you think of the Boy Scouts organization?

One love.

Game Time!

2008-07-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

This is easy - name the movie from the tag line:

1. We are not alone.

2. The future of law enforcement.

3. The Happiest Sound In All The World!

4. Truth - Beauty - Freedom – Love

5. Remember there is no spoon

6. The Bride is back for the final cut.

7. What would you do if you were accused of a murder you had not committed... yet?

8. The temperature where freedom burns!

9. Four perfect killers. One perfect crime. Now all they have to fear is each other.

10. In a time of crisis a hero must rise...from his sofa.

It was hard to find ones that didn't totally give away the movie, so most of these aren't the main movie tag line. I still think these are easy, but we shall see!

What do you think?

2008-07-24T16:42:00.000-07:00

So, I flip on the tv and, of course, it's on Comedy Central where Meatballs II is playing - I've never seen it, or the first one, through, I don't think. Anyhow, it tunes in just as a mom, played by Jamie Leigh Curtis, is dropping off her early teen daughter at the (I'm guessing) wacky summer camp:

Mom: Remember now, boys only want one thing.

Daughter: But that's a good thing, right?

Mom: But they never want it when you want it.

Heh. I have no point, really, I just thought it was funny. And a little unexpected, like the tables have been turned. The flick's from 1984. Huh.

DIVERSITY!!

2008-07-24T04:56:00.000-07:00

This morning, from 8 - 12, I get to go to a mandatory training class on Diversity!

Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.

Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?

Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

Ed Harken: Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.

This oughta be interesting. I'll give a full report later. Just so you know going in, I don't agree with Diversity. I think Diversity is a way of pointing out (or "celebrating") our differences when the truth is we are all one.

"I celebrate the fact that I'm a white Anglo-Saxon of mixed Italian and Irish decent who was born in Joliet and grew up in Suburbia! That makes me unique! Now YOU celebrate my uniqueness! Ask me questions about my culture!"

Who gives a shit?

If we're all unique then nobody is unique, which takes me back to the truth that we are all one.

One love.

CUNT.

2008-07-23T18:28:00.000-07:00

Isn't it about time we de-powered this word?

Like all derogatory words or phrases, it's just a collection of completely benign letters arranged in a particular manner. WE give it power by assigning connotations that mean what we want them to mean.

"Cunt" is probably the worst thing you could ever call a woman. Never in my life, not even in jest have I used it like Larry does in the video. Most people will react with absolute horror and rage. You're probably feeling some degree of horror and rage while reading this.

Why is this word so powerful? Why THIS word? It's doesn't even roll off the tongue well. Not nearly as well as "bitch" or even "whore". "Asshole" is permitted on network TV now. So is "bitch". I dunno about "whore". I know you can say "damnit", just not "goddamnit". The "god" part is what they bleep out, which I think is hilarious.

Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt.

"I was a cunt hair away from landing that job!"

"Fine, we'll go to McDonald's if you kids are gonna be such cunts about it."

Impossible. You can't imagine anybody ever saying such things.

In Europe, cunt is as commonly said between friends as "bitch" or "asshole". Depending on the relationship, it's all kinda like "dude".

"What happened to you last night, ya cunt? We went with those birds from the pub back to their flat! Apples and pears we were upstairs and Bob's your uncle!"

It bothers me when Americans get so uptight over a word. Like the "N" word. Quentin Tarantino caught a lot of shit from the media about using that word in his movies. He said if a word has that much power, we oughta be shouting it from the rooftops.

So let's not be cunts and grant illusionary power over to a single syllable. It's the intent of the person saying it that matters. And if a guy thinks you're a cunt, he can be just as overtly nasty calling you "madame". It's the intent and the tone that gives it away.

Five New Slang Words

2008-07-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

In the interest of keeping everybody hip, I thought I'd start adding some recent additions to the King's English vernacular. A.K.A. slang.

Today, I thought we'd start with some M words. Please study, learn, and use them in a sentence as soon as possible. You'll be sure to rattle your fellow bloggers with your janky new vocab.

1. magic smoke: The stuff inside expensive electronic gadgets that you can actually smell if you shock them with static electricty on a dry winter day. Once you let it out, that thing will never work again.

Example: I touched my iPod after shuffling across the rug and I think I let out the magic smoke cuz now it doesn't work.

2. mahkayooka: Contraction for "my car, your car". Used as a question when two people are trying to determine which car to take on a trip. The first or second half of the word can be used as an answer.

Example: John and Tim walked out to the parking lot to go to lunch. "Mahkayooka?" asked Tim. "Mahka," answered John.

3. make-want: To act or behave in such a way as to cause another person (potential sex partner) to desire you.

Example: It's usually not enough just to be good-looking. In order to successfully attract a mate, one must also make-want.

4. making a sentence fancy: When you add an unnecessary cuss word to a sentence.

Example: He's a fucking asshole! Sorry, I had to make that sentence fancy because I'm so upset.

5. mammoslam: Masochistic diagnostic test for breast wellness. (Any female who's had one needs no explanation.)

Example: Rats!! It's been a year already and I'm due for my annual mammoslam. Damn, they hurt!!

One love.

Blood For Oil

2008-07-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

(cross-posted at the Coaster...want links? Go get them over there, sorry, I haven't figured out how to do it here)

Riveted to HBO's brilliant docudrama series "Generation Kill" for the last two weeks, it's brought me back to the original build-up and initial invasion of Iraq. The days of yelling, "IRAQ?? What the hell are we doing?" Remembering those feelings and watching the young Marines crossing the border into Saddam Hussein's country with no air cover or tank assistance has made for quite an emotional viewing experience.

The announcement a few weeks ago of a deal being worked out between the Iraq Oil Ministry and Exxon Mobil, Shell, Total and BP (original partners decades ago in the Iraq Petroleum Company, now joined by Chevron and other smaller oil companies) raises some serious questions about the nature of the invasion. Questions that should be raised and discussed by Obama, McCain, Congress, Americans everywhere, and the Iraqi people, who have no say in the future of their country.

These four companies got no-bid contracts, skipping right over 40-some others, including some in Russia, India and China. "There was suspicion among many in the Arab world and among parts of the American public that the United States had gone to war in Iraq precisely to secure the oil wealth these contracts seek to extract," Andrew E. Kramer wrote in the New York Times.

"Suspicion" is an understatement. Surely the military occupation is secretly setting up the hated Iraq Petroleum Company, which, as Seamus Milne of the Guardian points out, was put into place during British rule to "dine off Iraq's wealth in a famously exploitative deal."

Obviously the demand is great, and is there a bigger oil reserve anywhere on the globe, that is as easy to extract, as Iraq? No deep-sea drilling, no tar or ice to drill through, and we set up permanent military bases right there. Weapons of Mass Destruction? Saddam and bin Laden hand-in-hand? It would be laughable if not for all the senseless killings of our children in the name of easy oil.

None of this is new, but remember Bush and al-Maliki agreeing on that Declaration of Principles, which was signed without the approval of Congress, the Iraqi Parliment, or anyone else? Now we have gigantic military airports, the so-called embassy, which is basically one of the largest cities in the country. We have the understanding that Iraqi oil is to be open to investment, "especially American investments" is how the Declaration unbelievably reads. There can be no question as to why we invaded that country.

Bush's signing statement in January that he would bypass any Congressional rules keeping the U.S. from establishing any military installation or base for the purpose of providing for the permanent stationing of United States Armed Forces in Iraq" or "to exercise United States control of the oil resources of Iraq" was illegal and violated Constitutional separation of powers. He pulled that one right out of his ass and got away with it, despite protests from the American Bar Association and Iraqi unions, which somehow still survive.

The United States has committed an international war crime in Iraq, one which has taken the lives of thousands of American troops and untold numbers of innocent Iraqi civilians. "Generation Kill" is a great reminder of the chaos that surrounded the initial invasion, from the perspective of the troops who risked, and often lost, their lives. It's a good time to remind ourselves what the reason was behind this tragic policy, and to demand that the two guys running for president not only acknowledge this fact, but explain to us how they would get our kids out of there.

Nobody should have to die over oil.

A Finger is Worth a Thousand Words

2008-07-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

Chelsea, on her first humvee patrol in Afghanistan, got flipped off by a 6 year old Afghan boy.

That pretty much says it all, don't you think? I wish I had a picture to go with that.

THE DARK KNIGHT -- Take Two

2008-07-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

Some men aren't looking for anything logical. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. -- Alfred Pennyworth

Okay, we have this OTHER movie theater in town now. I hadn't been there until last night. I heard it was excellent, but more expensive, and I never thought it'd be worth it. Still, a couple of friends said they were going to see The Dark Knight at the new theater and invited me to come along.

It was like a dream where you're in your ordinary surroundings and suddenly turn the corner and there's THE FUTURE or some crazy, imaginary world that can't possibly be real. It still feels dream-like to me.

I've never been to an IMAX theater before, and this is not one of them, but I can't imagine IMAX being any better. I heard almost every line. The picture was crystal clear. The seats recline. Mama, I'm home.

As for the movie, you've already heard the hype. It's all true. EPIC. "The Godfather Part II of comic book movies."

And if I didn't know better, never in a million years would I have recognized Heath Ledger in that role. You could watch it a hundred times but if you didn't know, you'd never guess.

I don't know how he did what he did, but he found a new way to be absolutely terrifying.

Anyway, just wanted to report that I got to see (and HEAR) the movie. Go see it. And I know this kind of movie never gets Oscar recognition, but when the DVD comes out, I'd like to see "ACADEMY AWARD WINNER: Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor" sported on the cover.

THE DARK KNIGHT

2008-07-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling I just watched a brilliant, powerful movie. I'd know that for sure if I could've understood the dialog.

Just one of those movies where the sfx are loud but the dialog is buried.

FUCK!!!!!!!

FUCK MUTHERFUCKING FUCK!!!!

WHEN are they gonna give me some kind of closed caption option in the theaters. It doesn't have to be on the screen. Gimme special glasses or something. Put the captions up on the back wall in reverse and gimme a mirror I can hook to the chair in front of me.

I missed over half the dialog. That's not a complete experience. I've been blue-balled by that mutherfucking theater and my fucking hearing.

You know what it was? They show it on two screens with alternating times. A big screen w/ good sound, and a shitty little one down the hall. We got the shitty one.

I'm gonna have to go back and catch it again in the bigger one. Or, even worse, wait six months for the DVD so I can get my fucking captions.

Fuckers. Once again I feel like a cripple in the parking lot looking at a restaurant with no ramp. The fuck am I supposed to do? Not go to movies anymore?

Anyway, you can read the reviews and go see it and it's great. I'll get the full effect later.

MEN RULE THE WORLD

2008-07-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

They don't hate the world. They just hate that men get to rule it.

Ah, bullshit. Nobody RULES the world. Is that not the biggest rationalization possible? MEN RULE THE WORLD. Like we're all sitting around on thrones with fucking tridents and shit.

Look, terrible shit happens to everybody. Some get it worse than others. But each individual human being suffers or has known great suffering. We all get shat on at some point. But when it happens, I think we're less likely to blame the individual who made the decision to fuck us over. We blame the group(s) that individual "belongs" to.

I'm an individual person. I share no burden, shame, guilt, advantages, heritage, or culture with any other group. I'm a white guy. That's just how I was born.

When people think in collectives, that's when we have problems. Men, Women, Blacks, Whites, Republicans, Democrats, Christians, Atheists, Communists, Feminists, Muslims, Fat People, Skinny People, Cub fans, Yankee fans, Vegans, Hunters, Teens, Adults, Blue Collar, White Collar, whatever.

Everybody wants to join a group because it makes them feel safe. Like they belong to something. And they have special handshakes and talking points and clothes and hats and logos. It's why gangs are appealing. You said snark was Roman Catholic? That's one of the biggest, most powerful fucking gangs in the world.

I'm saying, what if we didn't join groups? What if you just played the hand you were dealt as best you can and put the onus of your life on nobody but your own shoulders? What the fuck ever happened to individual responsibility?

There are no groups, man. A group is just a collection of individuals. So is a corporation. Just individuals.

If somebody does something horrible to me, I'm gonna blame that person. Based on that person's individual character and actions as they related to me in some incident, I'm gonna hate THAT PERSON. Not the fucking gender, nationality, race, neighborhood, or religion.

I'm sick of people blaming a big group for everything. And then hating everybody THEY think belongs in that group. And now I'm a part of a group that gets victimized x% of the time by your group, so fuck you.

THERE ARE NO GROUPS. It's just you. You're on your own. Your life is a consequence of choices YOU MADE. Now shut up and deal with it and stop blaming illusions. It's just a fairy tale you tell yourself about why you can't have what you want.

Men don't rule the world. I'm a man; I don't rule shit. I rule my own life. That's it. Nobody's in charge. Go get what you want, or better yet DON'T, but can we stop with all the bullshit?

I challenge you to figure out what gang you're a part of and ask yourself why you're a member of it. What does it do for you? How does it affect your outlook? What's it costing you? And are you a member of it because you're afraid to stand alone?

Dead Sting Rays and Baggy Pants

2008-07-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

There's a temporary ocean exhibit that's been set up at the Brookfield Zoo near Chicago. Yesterday 16 sting rays died in it. Something went wrong with the heating mechanism, and I guess they just fried. Now, this tragedy hits home because my children and I love Brookfield Zoo outings and rays. One of my daughter's favorite early childhood memories was petting rays at a Florida aquarium. My family even has an affinity for the Tampa Rays, the baseball team that's kicking ass in the Yankees and Red Sox division.

This is a senseless disaster and I've always had a love/hate relationship with zoos. 16 animals. One could say obviously they'd have been better off in the wild, and one could say the personal experience my daughter had with them will encourage her to be an environmentalist later in life. That's an interesting debate, but this was a bummer.

And the Chicago Southlands news doesn't get any better this morning. In Lyndale, the village has passed an ordinance against baggy pants. If a kid is wearing pants that are so baggy his boxers are showing, a cop can issue him a $25 ticket. Can you say "Racial Profiling"? The ACLU is here and fighting it. I love the ACLU.

Well, It's Official. I Now Know Someone Fighting the "Global War On Terror"

2008-07-17T06:44:00.001-07:00

My wife's cousin Chelsea is in Afghanistan.

Interesting story. Grew up one of seven kids in Thief River Falls, Minnesota. 5 boys, 2 girls. She became a state and later national diving champion. Graduated high school with the world laid out for her. Whaddayou wanna be? Olympic hopeful? Full ride to Yale? Harvard? UC Berkeley? (I would've gone for Berkeley, for sure.)

Instead, she went to West Point. Graduated second in her class (I think), at a place where women are not welcome. Graduated as an officer. Met another officer, fell in love, got married. Two days ago she shipped out to Afghanistan. She'll be there 15 months (or so they're telling her right now) with a couple hundred men under her command. If she makes it back, she'll be a Captain.

After that, maybe another tour for the both of them, they'll come back way up the pay scale, then what? A job at the Pentagon? Who knows.

Not a career path I ever would've chosen for myself ("I can't work for that corporation"), but she seems to be going at it full tilt.

I had dinner with Chelsea's mom last night, who is on her way back to MN after seeing her daughter off in North Carolina. They had to say their goodbyes early so Chelsea could maintain composure in front of the men.

We didn't talk much about it. I had the stats rolling through my head -- incidents of rape within the ranks, how female soldiers are specifically sought out for capture by enemy forces -- but I kept it all in my head.

That this mentality still exists in our culture -- this desire to serve -- astounds me. I suspect in her case it's also a drive to challenge herself and live her life within the strictest of disciplines. Some people thrive on that.

I dunno. If it were me, I'd be entering grad school at Berkeley with a double Bachelor's in art and creative writing and a minor in growing pot. And occasionally I'd jump off the diving board and do some crazy flips and shit so they'd keep paying my bills. But that's me.

There are so many paths.

Keep your powder dry, Chelsea.

One love.

LEGALIZE EVERYTHING. TONIGHT.

2008-07-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

CBS reported the other day: "U.S. Leads The World In Illegal Drug Use".

Yeah, the WORLD. Including Amsterdam.

"Globally, drug use is not distributed evenly and is not simply related to drug policy, since countries with stringent user-level illegal drug policies did not have lower levels of use than countries with liberal ones."

So, according to this, countries with more liberal drug possession policies have LESS drug users than us? But I thought legalization would turn everybody into cranked out zombies. And even though we have the tightest drug laws, we still have the most users? How can that be?

NORML is all over this one, of course.

"One wonders if Drug Czar john Walters can even show his face in public today. Seriously, is there anything this man has ever said that this new WHO report doesn't expose to be a blatant and deliberate lie?"

They repealed the prohibition of alcohol. Eventually. How long are we gonna continue this one? And why shouldn't we stop it right now?

Nothing's rotten in Denmark.

2008-07-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

According to another mind-blowing study reported on CNN, the people of Denmark are the happiest on earth.

"I strongly suspect there is a strong correlation between peace and happiness," said Ronald Inglehart, a political scientist at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research.

GENIUS!! It's like we've split the atom all over again! I see everything in a new light!! The air smells fresher!! Food tastes better!!

You know what? I agree with him!! I too suspect a correlation between peace and happiness! I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that. You heard it here first!! Peace definitely has SOMETHING to do with happiness. Okay, call me crazy. Let's hear it.

THE TOP TEN HAPPIEST COUNTRIES ON EARTH

1. Denmark (cuz it's close to Amsterdam)
2. Puerto Rico (hot chicks, clubs, beaches)
3. Columbia (weed, cocaine)
4. Iceland (cuz it's green, as opposed to Greenland, which is icy)
5. N. Ireland (pubs!)
6. Republic of Ireland (couldn't tell you the difference!)
7. Switzerland (cuz they're neutral)
8. Netherlands (cuz they HAVE Amsterdam)
9. Canada (cuz Michael Moore says so)
10. Austria (mountains, castles, pubs)

Where'd we come in? 16th out of 97.

You're probably wondering how the rocket scientists at U of M figured all this out. Simple. By asking two exact, presice questions that dig deep into the subconscious and demand nothing less than the most introspective of responses.

Taking all things together, would you say you are very happy, rather happy, not very happy, or not at all happy?
All things considered, how satisfied are you with your life as a whole these days?

Yep. That's it. Those were the questions. And the conclusion, which is -- again -- MIND BLOWING:

"Ultimately, the most important determinant of happiness is the extent to which people have free choice in how to live their lives," Inglehart adds.

It's like Moses came down from the mountain and just laid it all out for you. Mr. Inglehart, bless you. You are a giant among men. And a special thanks to the University of Michigan for spending somebody else's money on this earth-shattering discovery.

My God, it's a miraculous time to be alive.

Here's One Way of Dealing with the Immigration Problem.

2008-07-01T06:29:00.000-07:00

Shoot 'em in the back and get cleared of criminal charges!

Joe Horn, 61, shot the two men in November after he saw them crawling out the windows of a neighbor's house in the Houston suburb of Pasadena.

Horn called 911 and told the dispatcher he had a shotgun and was going to kill the men. The dispatcher pleaded with him not to go outside, but Horn confronted the men with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot both in the back.

"The message we're trying to send today is the criminal justice system works," Harris County District Attorney Kenneth Magidson said.

Horn's attorney, Tom Lambright, has said his client believed the two men had broken into his neighbor's home and that he shot them only when they came into his yard and threatened him.

They came into his yard and threatened him, but got shot in the back? I'd love to be on that jury if only to see the courtroom-staged recreation of how that's possible.

Things is different in Texas.

Coyote, get ready for some Monday Morning Smackdown

2008-06-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

Cuz it's about to get real over that (cringe) the left fucking coaster.

Jeffrey done posted. Jeffrey done puked all over the left coaster.

I just know I'm gonna be fighting all day tomorrow, so I'm gettin' in my stance, feel me?

The post is great and I'm always glad when Jeff remembers where the steam release valve in his head is located.

I'm watching season one of Weeds. It's really good. It's, like, brilliant. You know? Okay.

Jeff, I loved it, 'nuff said. Are you gonna read the comments?

No, that was the wrong video.

2008-06-24T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I don't know what that other thing was, but that was kinda gay. Like when it started out, you kinda thought it was gay, and then they started running around and you KNEW it was gay.

Plus those guys don't look anything like us. Anyway, here's what I meant to post.

It's Gonna Be 9/11 Times A Hundred!!

2008-06-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

From the article in Fortune magazine:

On national security McCain wins. We saw how that might play out early in the campaign, when one good scare, one timely reminder of the chaos lurking in the world, probably saved McCain in New Hampshire, a state he had to win to save his candidacy -- this according to McCain's chief strategist, Charlie Black.

Charlie Black. Scary dude. Awfully flippant about fear mongering. But wait. It gets better.

The assassination of Benazir Bhutto in December was an "unfortunate event," says Black. "But his knowledge and ability to talk about it reemphasized that this is the guy who's ready to be Commander-in-Chief. And it helped us."

That was one lucky assassination. And here comes the money shot.

As would, Black concedes with startling candor after we raise the issue, another terrorist attack on U.S. soil. "Certainly it would be a big advantage to him," says Black.

Um, yeah. I don't really...

There's so many directions to go with this, I just...

...

Pay Favreau Whatever The Fuck He Wants!!

2008-06-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this shit. If you wanna read a really good post by the guy who does an excellent web comic, you can. But I gotta go off on a little rant here because I don't understand why anybody still works in Hollywood.

Iron Man was the first release of Marvel Studios, an obvious subsidiary of Marvel Comics. They took all their Spider-Man money and opened their own movie studio. This way, if they wanna make a Captain America or Sub-Mariner movie, they don't have to go get a greenlight on funding from Fox or Paramount or anybody else.

Iron Man has now passed the 300 kazillion mark worldwide. They took a chance on Jon Favreau directing a superhero movie, and he hit it out the fuckin' park. Great movie, GIGANTIC profit.

So what does Marvel Studios do when it comes time to think about Iron Man 2? They haven't even signed Favreau yet!! Because naturally, he wants Marvel to pony up for a bigger director's fee this time. And they don't know if they wanna pay him!

In fact, one studio jagoff "believes Iron Man 2 will be a success regardless of Favreau's involvement and feels the studio does not need to pay Jon a higher fee for his services."

Well, the jagoff is right. The first one was so good and so popular that a sequel is a sure thing.

But mutherfuck the studio! I mean, what do you have to do to be successful in that town?

"I directed a movie that made over $500 million worldwide and climbing, and we haven't even gotten to the DVD market yet!"

Yeah? Really? That's great, Jon! Now go fuck yourself. We got a guaranteed sequel audience, so we can sell them cheaply made candy ass shit now and we'll STILL make money!

Oh, and the receptionist will validate your parking. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Hollywood can blow me.

This Just In: Faith Healing Still Doesn't Work

2008-06-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Remember the toddler back in March that died of pneumonia because the family refused medical treatment, opting instead for the much more effective "faith healing"? Well, now her 16 year old cousin is dead too. From an untreated urinary tract blockage.

How, you may ask, does one die from a urinary tract blockage?

An autopsy Wednesday showed Beagley died of heart failure caused by a urinary tract blockage.

He likely had a congenital condition that constricted his urinary tract where the bladder empties into the urethra, and the condition of his organs indicates he had multiple blockages during his life, said Dr. Clifford Nelson, deputy state medical examiner for Clackamas County.

"You just build up so much urea in your bloodstream that it begins to poison your organs, and the heart is particularly susceptible," Nelson said.

16 years old and dead while a simple catheter could have saved his life.

If the condition had been dealt with earlier, a urologist could easily have removed the blockage and avoided the kidney damage that came with the repeated illnesses.

But instead of taking the boy to a urologist, the extended family gathered around and prayed really, really hard.

In Oregon, where these events transpired, minors over 14 can legally decide for themselves whether to seek medical treatment, so no charges are likely to be filed against the family.

In the case of the toddler, criminal charges have been filed.

Well, whaddayou gonna do? I guess it's just population control. If people choose to live their lives in dementia, that's their call. Just more pointless, senseless death in the name of Religion.

Newest Airport Security: We Wanna See Your Junk!!

2008-06-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah, coming soon to an airport near you: A glass booth that scans your entire body with "millimetre waves" and produces a 3-D model of your nakedness.

"People have no idea how graphic the images are," Barry Steinhardt, director of the technology and liberty program at the American Civil Liberties Union, said.

Cities that are installing or planning to install the Airport Peek-A-Booths (That's mine -- I just coined that!) include Phoenix, New York, Los Angeles, Washington DC, Dallas, Vegas, Miami, and Detroit.

Supposedly it's going to be an "optional" alternative to the pat-down.

That's great. Hey, Homeland Security? As long as you're gonna be staring at my balls, can I maybe smoke a fucking cigarette or keep my water bottle with me?

Motherfuckers. Meanwhile, random testing of airport security (where an undercover agent tries to sneak a bomb on the plane) FAILS over 85% of the time.

My wife said a long time ago, "Eventually we're gonna have to fly naked and under anaesthesia." Looks like she's not far off.

I propose THIS, rather than price, should be how we determine who sits in First Class.

Tim Russert Died??

2008-06-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

What the fuck??

Stop The Animal Cruelty In Movies

2008-06-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, a magazine asked a number of movie critics what they’d like to see LESS of in future movies. Many of them said nudity, which I couldn’t disagree with more. Gene Siskel very cleverly replied, “Roman numerals”.

I’d like to see fewer animal deaths.

In the real world, I’m a supporter of many animal rights organizations. PETA, Animal Legal Defense Fund, ASPCA, the Humane Society, etc.

Real life stories of animal cruelty tear me apart. I believe such crimes should be prosecuted to much, much fuller extents of the law. Statistics have shown time and time again that serial killers get their start as children, abusing animals. Bundy did it. So did Dahmer, Gacy, and the list goes on and on.

If we want to stop violent criminals BEFORE they kill people, we should nail them with the animal cruelty.

As for movies, Jeff is right. If an animal is killed in a movie, 99% of the time I will eject the DVD and throw it across the room. I could write a manifesto on this, but the bottom line is I don’t like to see it. I don’t care how many humans are killed in a movie. I believe that animals are innocent and pure and the people probably had it coming due to bad choices they made earlier in the movie or in their character’s background. (With the exception of historical drama, like “Schindler’s List”)

Look at the horror/thriller genre for the worst examples. If the family has a pet, the killer is going to kill the pet. This presupposes that we, as an audience, won’t really understand that the bad guy is really, really bad until he kills Fido.

It’s a cheap ploy that tugs at the heart strings. Cute little kitty? What if the killer slits his throat and hangs him from the ceiling fan? (“Poodle Springs”) Do you believe the killer is evil now?

It boils down to poor writing. If you – the writer – can’t convince me that the killer is scary without him stomping a dog to death (“American Psycho”), or shooting AND beheading the family dog (“Fear”), you haven’t done your job. Go back and revise.

What’s even cheaper is when a kitten or puppy is introduced into the plot solely to be killed later. In “Single White Female”, Jennifer Jason Leigh brings home an adorable puppy that she later hurls off the balcony. We get to see its lifeless body in the alley below. Ooh, now we know she’s REALLY scary!

Sometimes it serves no purpose at all. In “The Ring”, a horse on a ferry freaks out, jumps overboard, and is pulled by the current into the propeller. This had nothing to do with the plot.

Sometimes it’s supposed to be funny. Think “There’s Something About Mary” or “Animal House” or “Wonder Boys” or “Me, Myself, and Irene” or “A Fish Called Wanda” or “Starsky and Hutch”. There’s a fine line here.

If it’s done in a funny way where it’s humorously obvious that the animal is fake, that’s one end of the scale. The opposite end of the scale is no different (to me) than the horror examples.

Don’t misunderstand me – I NEVER want to see it. The scale only determines whether I’ll throw the movie across the room or get past it.

It’s worse when I’m at the theater and I’m with somebody so I can’t leave. “I Am Legend” is a great example of that. Will Smith’s dog turns into a… whatever and he chokes the dog to death just off screen. It was horrible to watch, incredibly pointless (why would the “last man on earth” have a dog?), and cheap all around.

The Worst Example Ever: “Apocalypse Now”. At the end of the movie, there are quick cuts to some kind of ritualistic jungle ceremony where a bull or water buffalo or something is hacked to death with a machete.

Regardless what it may or may not have meant to the plot, THAT WAS REAL. That was before the ASPCA. They slaughtered a live animal for the purposes of a movie.

I’m sick of it. These scenes never advance the plot. They serve no purpose. They titillate people who think animal life is worthless. It’s disgusting, it’s bad writing, and I won’t support it.

I found a website recently that catalogs upcoming movies and lists any scene where an animal is involved. (I think it’s the ASPCA’s site.) Then it lists whether there was ASPCA supervision on set, whether the animal is interacting with an off-screen trainer, and what the dead animal on screen actually is, like foam rubber latex with fake fur, or whatever.

Unfortunately, the site is seldom updated. I’d like to know ahead of time what to expect.

Okay, now you can give me individual examples and ask me whether I threw the movie, ask whether I’m a vegan, etc. I’ll open it up for questions.

One love,

TMV

The Marines Are Invading Indianapolis.

2008-06-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

"G'morning."

This is pretty depressing for a Monday, but it seems throughout the month of June, the military will be invading and securing 26 "surrendered" locations. In Indianapolis.

Of course it's all a big martial law training exercise and many of the citizens are excited about getting to see the soldiers doing their thing.

You can go here to read what this is really all about. The brief article nicely summarizes my dismal view of our future. Or you can can just take it at face value.

“That in the interest of national security the sights and sounds of war will be brought to Indianapolis.”

How does it make Hoosiers more secure to be familiar with the sights and sounds of war?

Holy Shit Jeffrey NAILS a totally fucking obscure Nicholson quote and WINS A MOVIE TRIVIA GAME!!!

2008-06-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well played, sir.

Uh, fuck. Now I gotta find the quotes to give you the answers.

I love Apple, I love my iBook laptop, but it doesn't let you switch from one browser to another w/ a keyboard shortcut. Sometimes I miss Windows.

Here we go.

1. Broadcast News. Jeffrey comes out strong with an early lead.

2. Say Anything (which, by the way, is in my Top Five Movies of all time. Like the REAL Top Five. And holy shit we should start a desert island thread immediately.)

3. The Spanish Prisoner. Had to throw some Mamet in there, especially when the line comes from Steve Martin in a rare, WAY too rare serious role.

4. Singles, yes. Well done again, Jeffrey. Who doesn't love Cameron Crowe? And what's wrong with them?

5. Grosse Pointe Blank. In the top 10. Last line of the movie.

6. Coyote you were SO close, but it's Steve Martin in Roxanne. So sorry. (Roxanne, having an infinitely better script than L.A. Story -- Martin wrote them both -- but nothing compared to what he'd do later with Shopgirl and his first novel, The Pleasure of My Company.)

7. Cuckoo. Again, wow.

8. The Legendary Michael Caine in Goldmember. What a great line.

9. Manhattan. Jeffrey scores.

10. Big Night. If you've seen it, you love it. If you haven't seen it, get it soon and everything will be okay.)

In the final analysis, Coyote: Where were you, baby? Cuz you sho wasn't in that game.

Which means, JEFFREY DELIVERS MOVIE TRIVIA SMACKDOWN!!!

Judging by his previous (weak sauce) performance in the first game, I truly didn't see this coming. Also, there was no intent to do a Crowe rom/com thing. I just linked from here to there on imdb and chose at random. Sort of. I mean, they are some of my favorites. Ever.

Game Time!!

2008-06-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

Same rules. Gimme character (or actor) and movie.

#1. Ok, I'll meet you at the place near the thing where we went that time.

#2. And one more thing - about the letter. Nuke it. Flame it. Destroy it. - It hurts me to know it's out there. Later.

#3. Good people, bad people, they generally look like what they are.

#4. I broke up with someone recently: Jennifer, my last girlfriend. I did it in a crowded restaurant. She just stared at me with that look: How can you pass me up? I told her we weren't right and all the stuff we both knew. A week later I realized I was wrong, tried to get back together with her. She won't see me. Now she's with Tony. Tony knows my friend Bailey, who's friends with the girl Tony's going out with on the side, Rita. Rita who I broke up with to go out with Jennifer. So now do I tell Jennifer that I know Tony's going out with Rita or do I tell Rita that I know about Tony and Jennifer? Tony will tell Jennifer that I was still going out with Rita while I was going out with her. How does stuff get so complicated? I don't know.

#5. Some people say forgive and forget. Nah, I don't know. I say forget about forgiving and just accept. And... get the hell out of town.

#6. I, uh, notice you don't have any tattoos. I think that's a wise choice. I don't think Jackie Onassis would've gone as far if she'd have had an anchor on her arm.

#7. But I tried, didn't I? Goddamnit, at least I did that.

#8. There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.

#9. She's 17. I'm 42 and she's 17. I'm older than her father, can you believe that? I'm dating a girl, wherein, I can beat up her father.

#10. To eat good food is to be close to God.

loose lips

2008-06-03T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hi! We're all feckless whores! Thanks for the money!

2008-06-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

The -34th of July

2008-06-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

Did I fuckin' call it? June 1st and the 1st of the neighborhood explosions has begun.

We have a big family of meat puppets that recently moved in about four houses down, behind us. Gigantic trampoline, and one morning I swear they were bouncing around on it at like 6:45 in the morning. On a Wednesday. SCREAMING like one or more of them were on fire.

What's with the screaming?? When we were kids, I think a parent or a neighbor would come out and bitch at us if we were screaming like that. Now it's as customary as a chuckle.

I swear, kids get more juice out of a fucking trampoline. You bounce up and down. I get it. If you're good, you can do a back flip or something. I have a cousin who I saw on a trampoline years ago who looked like an Olympian on that thing.

But what you see around here is more like four or five kids, just bouncing around inside the net like a bunch of LOTTO balls, and eventually somebody gets hurt. And cries ear-shatteringly about it.

It's officially summer. I go outside and all I hear are leaf blowers (what the fuck ever happened to the Zen of sweeping??), weed whackers, lawn mowers, edgers, and what sounds like a platoon of children running through a field soaked in flaming napalm and bear traps.

I hate neighborhoods.

Oh, and the other new thing going on in the 'hood. People are "breaking into" cars and stealing garage door openers, enter through the garage into the "mud room", and swiping wallets and purses and watches and cell phones and all the junk you toss on a thing when you walk in the door.

WTF?? I have a few questions for these victims.

Why is your car parked outside? We all have 2-3 car garages around here.

Why is your car unlocked outside?? Why would you ever leave your car unlocked?

Why is the access door from the garage unlocked??

Where are you when this is happening?? Are you even home? Are you out back whacking weeds or hosing down the slip 'n slide?

Fuck all. I get the whole Michael Moore thing -- yeah, this is all totally normal behavior when you live in a society where you're not brainwashed by the MSM to live in fear of everybody and every thing. Believe me, I get it.

I'm not afraid of anybody. But it pisses me off when somebody steals my shit! Doesn't it piss you off? So why not take precautions to keep my shit from getting stolen??

Fuck these people. I don't want them on my property, opening my fucking car doors. Apparently everybody else just throws their stuff on the sidewalk. Just take their shit and leave my house alone.

And in THAT sense, with the teeming number of careless retards I have around me, logic dictates that I live in the safest house in town. Statistically.

But then you get the barrage of emails at work, forwarded back and forth from all the corporate drones in the neighborhoods who know each other's names.

"DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BREAK INS?? OMG!! I pay a shitload of property taxes to live out here!!!! This isn't right!!"

It's summer. The meat puppets are in an explosive frenzy, literally, the crime wave is out of control, and the lawns are manicured like the pussy at the Playboy mansion.

I fucking hate this country. Suburbia. Generica. Mindless Zombies. Fuck this place.

I don't expect culture to change. But can they keep the noise and drama down? I just want to hang out in my space and be left the fuck alone.

ATTN: It is now safe to return to my site

2008-05-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

Horse Face is gone. I didn't have anything good to add right now, but Horse Face being gone is enough. For now.

Jeff wanted me to throw this up here. Heh. Heh heh.

2008-05-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

SAVE FERRIS

2008-05-30T04:49:00.000-07:00

I took a cheap shot at Sarah Jessica Parker last night, in honor of the SATC movie coming out today. God, she's fugly.

And I'm not one to pick on the fugly. She's certainly no better or worse looking than most of the population -- but when the world props her up like some kind of sweetheart/fashion goddess, I gotta take a shot.

The good news is, the movie is NOT 3 hours as some have previously suggested. It IS, however, 2 hours and 28 minutes. WTF?? In that amount of time I could watch "Cloverfield" TWICE and it would kick ass twice as much.

I pity the foo who goes to see it. But please, come back with a full review. 8)

Holy Shit I Actually Updated My Website

2008-05-28T19:42:00.001-07:00

I guess there's really nothing else to say. Vote for me, like it matters.

How does on increase traffic on their website? I know but two things about this. Jack, and Shit. And Jack left town.

Kids' Cartoons Cynically Hilarious!!

2008-05-28T05:11:00.001-07:00

Just woke up to finish watching an episode of "Fairly Oddparents" with The Duke.

Little Timmy picks up a small glass object off of Mom's Hope Chest. He asks Dad, "What's this?"

Dad mindlessly replies, "That's my Box of Dreams."

Timmy starts to examine it, and the Box slips out of his hands, crashing to the floor.

"Sorry."

"Oh, that's ok," says Dad. "My dreams were shattered years ago."

"How long ago was that??"

Dad looks down at his son and asks, "How old are you?"

That night Timmy starts to read a book, which he barely finishes the first chapter of before he's sound asleep. What he's just read stirs a riveting, adventurous dream, which makes up the plot of the episode. Timmy ends up saving the day...barely...and is asked after he wakes up by his guardian angel fairy friends if he's learned his lesson.

The kid says, "Yeah. Never read books," and promptly tosses the tome out of his bedroom window.

Sweet.....

Fear and Loathing on a Long Weekend

2008-05-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

I figured I'd contribute to this thing finally, as I signed on earlier today, even filling out a profile, though unable to get a picture up. May be for the best.

After a disturbing Friday afternoon, I made the decision to fall off the wagon. For the first time in 2 years and 12 days, I had some adult beverages with my best drinking buddy and my wife, whom I hadn't hung out with in about 2 years or so. I behaved rather well, though points were taken off for playing too many Weezer songs in the first bar, singing along loudly ("THE WORKERS ARE GOING HOOOOME!!"), and trying to dance with every woman who passed by, including an off-duty police officer. Letting off some steam was all, though those around me who had caught my act in the past were rightly concerned.

First drink? Shot of tequilia and a beer. My main discovery of the weekend was it wasn't sobriety that was straining my relationship with my wife, as she chose to go out all night Sunday instead of hanging with me and the kids. I'll bet my newly paid-off car we had a better time, too. I just don't think she likes being with us. Hey, the door's right there, my dearly beloved. I could learn to refine my cooking abilities.

Funny thing was I was scheduled to go to an AA meeting that night. When those plans were ruined by Bad Events which I won't go into here, I went for option number two. Nothing had changed in those two years except the names of the bars, and the odd fact that smokers had to go outside. It was my first experience in this custom, and found that the fresh air wasn't all that bad, plus you tend to meet some interesting people while outside. I was quite the conversationalist. My therapist won't even know where to start this week.

Must read: Naomi Klein's article on China in the latest Rolling Stone, regarding their developments towards becoming a police state, and the help they're getting from American companies. For a look at what America will look like in about 10 years or so, it's really a crucial read.

I had forgotten what a great movie "The Pianist" is.

The Duke, my 8-year-old rockstar in the making, is in little league, being coached by a band of monkeys. One guy in particular was really yelling at the kids Friday while I was otherwise busy with other pursuits, calling them "lazy" and making them run laps for not obeying his every command. My friend, bless her heart, complained, though she was the only female parent there, arguing that calling 1st and 2nd graders "lazy" and implying stupidity in their actions was just balls-out goofy. She asked her boy if he was having fun or wanted to go home, he opted for going home, and she told him to get his stuff, telling the baboon of a coach to watch her taillights fade. He turned away from her and continued to yell at every little kid he could.

My dad took The Duke to practice that day and did nothing, of course. Here was a man who screamed and yelled at me from 2nd grade on through high school while I played the stupid game. I talked to my friend yesterday, however, and decided to back her up, since The Duke wasn't having fun this season either, choosing to skip a practice one day and continually relating stories to me about this particular asshole coach who obviously gets his kicks screaming at little boys.

I called the head coach and told him it wasn't just my friend who was concerned, but I agreed with her; the kids just ain't having any fun out there. He was puzzled, saying that as far back as he could remember, he was always getting yelled at on the diamond. I had to admit to him that, yeah, I was too, but my teams were always coached by my depressed alcoholic womanizing absentee parenting faux macho tobacco-spitting fraud lunatic of a father; I couldn't remember being yelled at by another man until maybe 6th grade. These boys are too young, I argued, while at the same time showing sympathy for his time and effort at volunteering to do a rather thankless and time-consuming job. I coached last year.

He didn't get it, but he said he'd "see what I can do to back it down a notch or two." Actually part of me hopes my friend's kid and The Duke, two of the best players on the team, decide they can do something better with their weekends and don't wanna go anymore. I'd love to pull him and sign him up for guitar lessons.

So I survived my falling off of The Wagon...not sure where things go from here but I also fired my psychiatrist Thursday so do I ween myself off of the pills and continue with therapy, or keep my date with a new shrink in a couple of weeks, since I know depression doesn't just go away and more than likely I'm going to need chemical aid?

(sigh) Who gives a crap? It's after midnight. I'm gonna go have a smoke and see what movie I can stumble into.

Coyote, I loved the religion clip, and though I swore off current events recently, I'm going to start slowly getting back into the swing of things by following tales of religious nutjobs. Let's make a point of it. Just a thought.

What the fuck, is this a post or a journal entry? I'm out.

Epitaph to a Dog

2008-05-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

Some friends of mine had to put down their dog, Oscar, today. So few people understand this kind of loss and many more don't care. But I understand it, and so did Lord Byron. Hug your pets.

Epitaph to a Dog, by Lord Byron

One love,

The Masked Vigilante

My Favorite Joke Right Now

2008-05-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

A woman goes to see her doctor for a physical. She asks him, "Doctor, how long do you think I will live?"

The doctor replies, "Well, that depends on many factors. Do you smoke?"

"No," the woman replies.

"Do you drink alcohol?"

"No."

"Do you experiment with recreational drugs?"

"No."

"Do you travel a lot or outside the country?"

"No."

"Do you eat rich foods or sugary deserts?"

"No."

"Do you drive fast or ride a motorcycle?"

"No."

"Do you have sex with multiple partners?"

"No."

"Then why the fuck do you care?"

Memorial Day, Labor Day Rule. All Other Holidays Can Suck It.

2008-05-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

I am not a lover of holidays. It seems to my cynical ass that the sole purpose of a holiday is to give us a day off work. Sadly, Memorial Day and Labor Day are the only ones where you can actually ENJOY that day off. So, kudos to those two and here's what I think of the rest.

New Years Eve/New Years Day -- Always a major disappointment. Drunks on the road, nazi cops handing out DUI's like business cards at a corporate conference. You go out, get hammered, and hope THIS evening is gonna be special. More often than not, you find yourself slurring the countdown and realizing you have nobody to kiss. And as for New Years Day, it might as well be National Hangover Day. Unless you're a college football fan, but I'm not so fuck those people too.

Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday -- Never had this day off. Never spent it as I should: reading about the man and civil disobedience. I did regularly take this day off in college because I was super-liberal and disgraced that we would have classes scheduled on MLK Day. But even that's a lie. I just wanted to blow off class and smoke hookahs in the dorm room.

Groundhog Day -- Great movie. Can't remember what it means if the titular groundhog sees his shadow or not. Whatever.

Mardi Gras -- Never been to the Big Easy, don't really care to. Urination in the streets plus Dixieland Jazz = Big Headache. Flashing tits for beads is cool, but in the final analysis, it's just another pair of tits.

Ash Wednesday -- Don't know anything about it, don't care. I remember Hash Wednesdays at the University of Illinois, but I don't remember if I ever actually attended it.

Valentine's Day -- Fuck me. Now, I'm a good husband. Good enough to have an account at the florist that did our wedding. I call, send roses and candy to Shopgirl at work, she gets a big kick out of going down to the lobby to pick them up and I earn vicarious kudos when she walks back to her desk, toting this fragrant display in a vase. Couple of weeks later I get the bill and pay it without thinking. Can't go out that evening because every restaurant, movie theater, bar, what have you is packed far beyond Fire Code bylaws. Wanna wait 65 minutes for a table at Chilis? Suck it. The king of all Hallmark Holidays.

St. Patrick's Day -- Green beer? Green vomit. When you're calling Ralph on the big white phone and green shit is coming out of your esophagus, that's some scary business. Like the Irish need an excuse to drink.

Easter -- Another Christian holiday I don't understand, don't care to understand, and can therefore gargle my balls. To me, this symbolizes where religion goes horribly awry. I believe Jesus was a real dude, but I think he was just a peace and love John Lennon type. People dug what he had to say, except maybe the Jews and the Romans, so they had him whacked. The story got told over and over again until it made no sense, like the Bill Brasky skits on SNL. "Jesus was buried in a cave and came back to life, pushed a giant boulder outta the way, and walked around for a few more days!!" Nah. If I can score a casually-dressed brunch on Easter, I've been known to attend. But spare me the story. If I believe in the whole "HE IS RISEN" bit, I also gotta buy into Apollo dragging the sun across the sky in his golden chariot. I'm out.

April Fools Day -- Rarely does anyone come up with a prank worthy of recognizing this day. And we gotta work anyway. Suck it.

Mother's Day/Father's Day -- Shit. Find a gift for people who, by definition, are better off financially than you and can easily afford their own shit. And the people who have lost parents feel like crap, which is enough reason to strike them off the calendar right there. If you can appreciate your parents for who they are more than how much they fucked you up, do you really need a scheduled day for that? If not, it's a giant day of "pretend we're a happy family", and that blows.

Independence Day -- Drunk white people blowing shit up. They don't even know why. Unfortunately, they get the M-80's two months in advance and don't blow them all up on the 4th, so this turns into three or four months of hearing what sounds like shotgun blasts coming from all over the neighborhood. And the technology of fireworks hasn't improved in 30 years, so what the fuck?? Yeah, we all love the big ones that spider outwards into a giant ball of colorful flame. But mostly it's bugs and cookouts. And always some good candidates for the Darwin Awards bite it on this day. Cheap beer and explosives. This is what America means to us?? Heath Ledger in "The Patriot" would be pissed.

Columbus Day -- Italian dude on a mission from the king of Spain (once portrayed on the big screen by Tom Selleck) goes way off course, hits the wrong fucking continent, and declares he found it. That's like me going into a crowded Starbucks at 7:30 on a weekday and saying I discovered it. Except for the 75 people all ready inside the joint, looking at me like I'm a fucking moron. Suck it.

Halloween -- Fuck off. I don't have kids and I don't have friends who throw costume parties and I loathe answering the door. My lights are off. I'm in the back room watching Jamie Lee Curtis get chased around by Michael Meyers. But that's not even a good enough reason to justify a holiday. I heard about some weird dude at work who, when kids come to his door saying "Trick or Treat", he demands they perform some kind of Trick before he gives them a couple of mini-sized Mars bars. What the fuck?? Shouldn't that dude be on some kind of Creepy House registry?

I swear -- my doorbell just rang as I'm writing this and I'm not fucking answering it. There's my tribute to Halloween right there.

Thanksgiving -- Oh, fuck me sideways. Whose house do we go to this year? Mine or my wife's? In the early years of marriage, you're stupid enough to try to hit both. In the middle years, you alternate. After 12 years and no kids, it's a chore. Big food, big sleepy, whole lot of decapitated turkeys. And somebody always insists on the untouched bowl of cranberries. No thanks. Suck it.

Christmas Day -- The Holy Fucking Grail of days when you're a kid -- not so much when you get older. More buying gifts nobody can afford. More juggling of families, none of whom ever feel like you spent enough "quality time" with them. And as much as I love "It's A Wonderful Life" I can't watch it every year. I used to have a friend who, as a tradition, went to the local theater to watch Bing in "White Christmas" every fucking year. We're not friends anymore. Hey, I've got my top five movies too, but I can't watch them annually. Christmas is a holiday for the Credit Card Companies. You know what? Everybody else can go nuts looking for just the right gift for each individual loved one, and that's beyond swell. I'll be in Jamaica smoking a spliff at a Sandals and drinking a Red Stripe while trying to maintain my balance on a floatee in the middle of a giant pool with 80 degree weather. Let It Snow, my ass. And if I ever have to hear "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", I'm gonna hang myself with a popcorned string of tinsel.

When I'm financially independent, I'll go apeshit over each and every one of these precious days. I'll get in the spirit and give thoughtful gifts and send out cards of my happy family of Shopgirl, Yellow Dog, and the other animals sitting by a roaring fire. But as long as I remain a working slave to The Man, you can shove your holidays up each other's ass.

Ergo, Happy Memorial Day to everyone. You get the day off and you're not expected to do a goddamn thing about it. I don't even remember who we're supposed to be Memorializing. It can't be veterans of war, cuz how would that be different than Veteran's Day?

By default, I'll be enjoying Memorial Day as a day off work. And when Labor Day comes, I'll be sleeping late that day too.

The rest can suck it.

One love,

The Masked Vigilante